Unauthorized Bootlog

People

2008-03-16T18:27:00.000-07:00

I need to learn how to meet people.

Isn't there a book - how to win friends and influence people? Sounds like something I could use. But it probably involves talking to people, which I... sometimes struggle with.

There's the starting small chit chat (who cares about sports? or weather?) and then the in between where you have to be interested and interesting, and then the end where you exit gracefully enough that the person wants to talk to you again. Too often I feel trapped, bored or scared by this whole process. I just want to dive into the deep meaningful talks with people I already know I like. But you have to work up to that.

The problem is, I'm an introvert and people scare me. I envy my friends who can just walk up to strangers and start a conversation and end up with dates all the time. If I want dates, I need to learn how to meet people. Lots of people. Build the social network. I'm 35, and I should know this already.

I miss the casual tribe experience of my 20's, where there were always people around to do things with. The always having friends over, hanging out in the big group house. Nowadays, most of the people I know are coupled up, dealing with kids, and houses, and responsibilities, and their relationship. Still great people, but much harder to get the spontaneous social event going. And also, much reduced dating options. Not that I used them when I had them.

That physical/affectionate/sexual/companionship/comfortable/romantic relationship I want? First, I have to meet people.

Ug.

IUD

2007-04-07T17:02:00.000-07:00

So, I tried to get an IUD. I want a birth control method that is non-hormonal, but not as drastic as getting my tubes tied. Obviously, condoms, but I want something in addition to that that is under my control.

And the Ob-GYN turned me down cold. Not in a long-term monogamous relationship? No IUD for you! FDA blah blah increased risk for pelvic inflammatory disease blah blah. Not a candidate.

I was a bit nonplussed, because nowhere in my research had this come up. So I dug around a bit more, and found this:

"Previous restrictions on (Copper IUD) use recently (Sept 2005) were removed to reflect findings that the risk for pelvic infection is more closely linked to sexual behavior rather than choice of contraceptive.

As a result, the IUD may now be used by nulliparous (no children) women and those not in a mutually monogamous relationship, although presence of a stable relationship is encouraged to decrease the risk for STDs and HIV infection. "

from Medscape

I think I need a new Ob-GYN.

The Slap

2007-04-07T15:38:00.000-07:00

The background: A casual party at Rafe's which involved sitting around in couches and on the floor, alcohol, chatting and backrubs. At one point, Imperator (hereafter known as Impe) got slapped. Spur of the moment, nothing premeditated.

The set up: Discussing the possibility of another party at Rafe's, Impe declares that one of the good things about the party is that he won't be slapped again (because the original slapper will not be there). I comment that there are others who could slap him - and he says if I do it, he'll agree, but only because he doesn't think I will.

Foolish, no?

More background: Impe is a top, and decidedly so. He's not at all interested in relinquishing control. However, he is also a self-proclaimed provocateur and greatly enjoys pushing other people's boundaries and seeing what he can get away with.

So the party came and went, and there was no slapping - instead there was a great rush to hide the kinky toys when the vanilla work people showed up. But that's a story for another time.

The scene: a public play party. We're standing around in small groups, chatting on the edge of things. Rafe has gone to get toys, and Impe's wife is chatting up a cute girl.

Impe: So, about that slap!
Me: oh, yeah.
Impe: Do I get to slap you too?
Me: only if it's not as hard as you want it to be.
Impe: No deal.
Me: Ok, I'll just slap you then.

Impe runs over to tell his wife she'll want to watch (but she misunderstands, and keeps talking to the cute girl) and then comes back to me and gets right up in my face. Make it count he says.

I take a deep breath, put my hand on his collarbone to control the distance between us, and slip ever so briefly into top space. My focus narrows down to his head and torso, to my hand on his shoulder, to my choices and actions. I give one sharp slap, and the scene is over. Nice he says.

We're both grinning, and everyone we know has missed the entire thing. He admits that I did make it count - his jaw was a bit sore afterwards. And now every so often he'll ask when he gets to slap me, but my answer doesn't change. Only if it's not as hard as you want it to be.

But that brief moment in top space was a bit of a rush. I really felt different, felt the responsibility and control. I have brushed against that space every now and then with Rafe, but our interaction is much more intimate, and "top" is defined by being the one not restrained rather than strong internal disposition. Perhaps because for both of us, our internal disposition is to not be the top.

This was different; I was there fully, however briefly.

Stuck

2007-01-16T20:01:00.000-08:00

I'm stuck.

I want to have a relationship, or relationships even, that work. Where there is mutual attraction, care, fun, the excitement of discovering another person.

But when I think about contacting anyone through the online dating profiles I've created, I just freeze. I want to avoid them, ignore them, pretend they're not there. Perhaps that means I'm not really ready. I don't have the necessary energy and oomph to deal with them.

However, I also don't want to sit around feeling sorry for myself, and aching for companionship I don't have. Cause staying in won't get it for me.

Taking even those really small steps towards a goal seem so incredibly hard. Why are phone calls so hard? Talking to people? Taking time to take care of myself, be responsible and proactive.

Gifts

2006-12-26T00:39:00.000-08:00

When I give gifts, I try to find things that the recipient will truly like and appreciate. It's not about me, it's about finding something that intersects with their interests, tastes, and expressed wants. And perhaps shared history. This is actually something I take pride in doing well, and much of what I look forward to in the process is knowing that I chose well, and the gift "works".

Resolved: Next year, I will have more people in my life who are able to and want to do the same for me.

I would say that this year I put time and effort into coming up with something meaningful for 7 different people, not including my nieces and nephews. And I got a grand total of one gift back that was really a good gift for me. (one other person gets points for trying, but the expansion pack to a game instead of the game itself, which I don't have, is still a little disappointing.)

I don't want to be one of those people that is all tit-for-tat and money counting and stuff. I believe gifts should be given freely, without expectation of reciprocity. But I have to say, year after year, it gets a little discouraging when I get so little that is actually meaningful for me. I hope it's not about the stuff, I don't think it's about the stuff, because I don't actually want to fuel the consumerism machine. I don't need lots of expensive stuff. What matters is the thought and intent behind the gift.

Perhaps I need to modify the resolution.

Resolved: Next year I will have more people in my life who know me well enough to know what things I would like or want, and care enough to get them for me.

I know that's the issue with my family; we don't really know each other, so meaningful gifts are hard. One thing to work on. With friends then; I think I bear some responsibility in cultivating and participating in close, rich relationships that might, as a side effect (and not even the most important one) lead to having people in my life who could get me gifts that "work" for me. That communicate that they know me, thought about what might make me happy, and made an effort to let me know that I am known and appreciated.

feeling discouraged here after Christmas

special note to the gift card giver, if you read this - you are exempt from the above discussion by reason of the draw - it's hard to do much with a dictated $5 limit!

Hello again

2006-12-12T20:19:00.000-08:00

Looks like it's time to start putting up some new posts! Maybe change the decor, update some links...

I note with a little bit of sadness that Bondage Blog has removed me from their featured links - can't say I blame them though, as I haven't really posted about bondage for quite some time.

So what's going on out here for me? Well, there's Rafe and I in the process of figuring out how to rework our relationship so we are less of a couple. Part of that involves some active date-searching; I've got two internet ads up but have yet to summon the energy to reply to any of winks or send some of my own. Sooner or later though, my friends will get fed up with my stagnation and feet-dragging, so I need to de-hermitize and start actively setting up dates! It's a bit terrifying really, since I've never really dated at all shhhh and I still don't know what to do with my weird and crazy mix of sexual experience (Kink! orgasms! sex blog!) and sexual inexperience (um, so, I've never kissed anyone, is that going to freak you out?) However, I've got that annual dr. appt set up and I intend to ask about IUDs.

Dating also brings up anxiety about weight - I want to weigh less. I want to weigh what I used to weigh before I did crazy food experiments in an attempt to be healthy, not an attempt to lose weight, but still I ended up with the yo-yo effect of rapidly loosing weight and then rapidly gaining it back plus more. Goal: lose approximately two pounds a week. We'll start with a three month time frame, but really ultimately I want it to be nine months solid. Eat less, exercise more they say. I feel like I've been trying that for a while, why am I still gaining?

Then there is the bit about figuring out how to tell my mom that my faith is changing, that I'm not going to church, and I do not subscribe to her conservative fundamental version of Christianity. This is sure to be devastating, but I really need to do it. My family doesn't really talk about anything important with each other, and it would be really easy to keep just not saying anything while the gap between what she thinks I'm like and what I'm really like keeps widening. But I don't like dishonesty, or fragmented living. So I'm going to work on a letter - you may get to see a draft.

So there you go, a little catching up. Hopefully the posts will get more frequent again - thanks to all you folks who still keep popping in once in a while to see what's going on!

flogging

2006-10-18T19:17:00.000-07:00

Hi, I see it's been a bit since I've posted. I remarked to a friend recently that perhpas my lack of posts was symptomatic of the fact that I have things going on I don't want to deal with, and to write honestly would require articulating said things.

Well, this isn't going to be that post. It will, however, record a new chapter in my kinky evolution.

Rafe has a flogger. I've blogged about this before. He's been interested to use it with me for a good long time, and I've moved from resistant to cautiously interested to let's do it; but we could not agree on HOW and WHERE such a thing might happen.

He recently did a flogging scene with one of our acquaintances, and I determined at that point that I needed to make sure this happened for us. See, he's potentially moving out of town (depending on the job thing) and I realized that I would regret it if I didn't at least give it a try before he left. So we set a date.

We got to the club late, and there were two people ahead of us for the spot we wanted (in the back, out of public eye). So we didn't start until near midnight. I was tied to a rack, hands and feet, and he pulled out a bit gag. And I got a flogging, interspersed with other toys / sensations (cane, wartenburg wheel, rabbit fur, being held..)

So, what did I think? I told Rafe later that I would have changed two things: no bit gag, and I would have let myself cry when I felt like I needed to. It was intense. The strokes that started with a sting and left a burning sensation brought me close to tears, but I didn't let on. At some point when he was checking in with me (are you ok, should we keep going) I said "I don't know" and was unable to articulate further. In fact, I was shutting down, mentally and physically. My lack of response freaked him out a bit, and he decided that whether I could say it or not, we were done. When he untied me, I found I was unstable standing and blanking out mentally.

He spent a good bit of time holding me and talking to me afterwards, and I was more or less recovered by the time we went to bed at 3am. (There were a couple times when my entire back spasmed or tingled with aftershocks - that was a bizzare feeling). We talked about how if I had let myself cry, that would have been a helpful signal for him earlier on about how intense things were getting for me. And how maybe the bit gag was too much of a speech impediment for a first time activity where checking in was important. Overall, while the experience wasn't what I was expecting, I felt like it was an important learning experience and valuable scene.

Later, I was asked why I didn't let myself cry. What I came up with was:
1. We hadn't talked about it, and I didn't want to negatively affect the scene.
2. In general, I'm not good at expressing my emotions, because I'm afraid of the response.

While day to day, #2 doesn't necessarily have immediate consequences, here it did. It was a reminder to me of the importance of understanding and articulating what I am feeling.

dating

2006-08-28T03:17:00.000-07:00

I want to start dating.

I've got this book, and I'm going to see how it goes. One of the first concepts that was very refreshing to hear and a good perspective shift was that dating should not be approached as "a way to get married". Instead, dating should be an end unto itself: a way to meet other interesting people and a way to learn about yourself and grow. In fact, he recommends NOT making any serious commitments for some period of time (six months?).

The first "task" is to meet five new people in a week. This is defined as - the person is new to you; you interact with them such that they are interested to follow up, and they have a way to contact you and do that.

And I stopped there, because there's no way I'm anywhere close to meeting five new guys in a week. Or a month. So obviously, I have some work to do!

**************************************

In other dating ruminations, I feel like I have two roadblocks to overcome before embarking on my new life of dating.

The first is that I want to lose weight. 20 pounds to start, 60 pounds as an eventual goal. This is easier said than done though, and I suspect that this is somewhat of a false roadblock. I need to be happy with who I am and confident in my desirability where I am now and not at some hypothetical future weight. However, the many craigslist guys (cream of the dating crop, yeah I know. But ads you can peruse without paying anything!) have comments like "must weight less than me" or "must weigh less than X pounds" and that is a little discouraging. So that is one thing.

The other is I feel I need to come to some understanding with myself about sex.

Until recently (within the last year?) I was absolutely 100% in the no sex till marriage camp. As I have moved outside of the conviction that Christianity is The Only Way, I've begun to think about that expectation in light of what it achieves (social cohesion, procreation, and guaranteed paternal knowledge) and some values from the societies it came out of (women as property, heirs and paternalism super important, women's sexuality suspect). I've also started to feel like this stance (no sex till marriage) is increasingly at odds with the more sex-positive view I am developing, and would perhaps not attract the sort of kink-friendly guy I would like to have. However, I do still believe that having sex in the context of a committed, loving relationship is better psychologically and emotionally than engaging in casual, uncommitted hook-ups.

I think this is an important area where I should figure out some personal boundaries before embarking on dating. Am I ok with having sex before I'm married? That's the most important question. Then if I am - in what contexts is it ok? Committed long-term relationships only? If not, when?

***************************************

I don't want dating to be all about getting sex. But at the same time - dammit, I want to be touched more. I want affection, and snuggles, and some make-out time. And I am concerned that all this pent-up unexpressed desire for physicality will lead me to make unwise decisions when faced with opportunity. The flip side of that is that fear of messing up irrevocably has my whole life kept me from dating and even coming within a mile of said opportunity. (perhaps fear of rejection too.) And I'm fed up with that. Angry, even.

*************************************

So there's some of my scattered thoughts on dating and sex. I'm sure there will be more, as I don't want to stay where I'm at. I'm trying to cultivate an attitude of openness and approachability - hello world, talk to ME! I'm interesting and fun!

body

2006-08-17T19:44:00.000-07:00

At yoga practice, at the end after we'd been rung out and were resting, the instructor had some words for us before we got up.

"Wrap your arms around your torso, and tell your body: I love you. Thank you for all that you are for me; all your strengths and weaknesses"

I almost started crying.

Walking home, I reflected on how little time is spent actually appreciating my body.

Instead, I grumble constantly to it:

I'm not strong enough.

I'm not losing weight.

My feet hurt.

I have allergies.

I need glasses.

Why can't I sleep better?

Perhaps you can relate.

Bodies need loving, from you before anyone else. So. As you are sitting there in your chair, thinking about my words, you try. Give yourself a hug and whisper Thank you. I love you.

And now that you've done it quickly and self-consciously, or thought "that's silly" and sat unresponsive, now that's out of the way and you can really try.

Become aware of your body pressing into the seat, your shoulders how they're held, your eyes reading. Shut your eyes, wrap your torso slowly and say to your body when you are ready: Thank you. I love you.

Could you do it?

look of alarm

2006-08-10T20:23:00.000-07:00

Hello,
Sorry to jump out of hiatus like this (I have a longer, more pondering post fermenting in the background) but...

I learned something today.

From Introspectre.

Nipple clamps? You take the rubber ends off. Really. And guess what's underneath?

LITTLE POINTY TEETH.

I have two pairs of these things.

eek.

(hey, I'm back! Not quite sure what's going to happen with the blog, but I appear to be, well, more. More present, more grounded, more energy, more time... )

why?

2006-06-26T20:52:00.001-07:00

It's been a busy month! And this post is partly to serve notice that the next month (July) will be equally scarce in postings. I will be away from the internet for awhile - having fun, to be sure. But come August, perhaps the muse will strike again and postings will resume.

The last time Rafe and I played, he stopped what he was doing and one point and asked "Do you like me because I tie you up, or despite that?" I paused a moment and said I could ask the same of him.

But later, reflecting on that exchange, I realized my question would be slightly different. I would ask "do you tie me up because you like me, or because you like bondage?"

So he was asking "Why do you like me?" and I would ask "why do you tie me up?" And the answer neither of us want to hear is: "it's really just about the bondage."

In both cases though, the deeper question is "Do I mean more to you than just bondage?" Just the physical, sexual component? Why really, do you hang out with me?

This is perhaps a not unexpected question, because we've both avowed that we are not in a committed romantic relationship, yet this physical intimacy is a part of who we are together. So what is the deal then?

Another friend, Imperator, got on his soapbox recently and said that by refusing to acknowledge that we were in a relationship we were putting off having to deal with what was or was not working in said relationship. Thus passively creating obstacles to seeking out what would be really meaningful for each of us.

I think it's kind of like, we know if we mess with it, it will come apart. And we care enough about what we have to not really want to push it to pieces.

I don't know what the ideal solution is. Perhaps it's that we would both meet a fascinating and complimentary person to date at the same time, and spin off into new relationships that we are willing to call relationships. However, that seems unlikely - how often does the universe align that way? More often in life, there is no ideal solution.

So we will see.

2006-05-29T15:25:00.000-07:00

After reading my last post, Rafe offered the opinion that it seemed a little less introspective, a little more just churning-it-out to get something up.

And I kind of had to agree with him. I felt the pressure to keep adding content, so I just took an event and transcribed it.

Recently I have found myself pondering this blog. When I started it a year and a half ago, I was in a very different place. I needed an outlet to work through things, to chronicle what was happening to me. As time passed, I settled into myself and became more comfortable with my current understanding of who I am.

Certainly, there are still things I could blog about.

I am still contemplating my faith - what it is these days, and what I want it to be. I feel like I am incubating, and I don't quite know what will emerge.

There are still issues with sexuality and intimacy for me to deal with - Steff wrote a good post on being honest with who you are. While Rafe and I are not fucking, or even getting naked - an expanded and holistic view might indeed argue that we are still experiencing sex together. So what is it really, that is keeping me from "going all the way"? From even, if it comes to that, dating anyone?

There's more that could be said about Rafe and I - how that relationship is doing, strengths, fears, and changes.

But I just don't know how much of that I will be putting out here. In my head, I keep seeing myself closing up this blog. Focusing more on my vanilla blog, and issues of feminism, environmentalism, and faith there.

Certainly, my output (and visitors) have dropped in recent months. Is that a sign? Or merely a season?

Obviously, I'm not quite gone yet, as the blog in its entirety is still here. But that's what I'm thinking these days.

An evening at home

2006-05-06T07:05:00.000-07:00

Rafe wanted to be tied up. He was good about asking, and not putting pressure on me, and giving me space to decide.

I told him that if I were to do so, there might be repercussions. Like, I might need to be able to interact with him more in the days after. And we might need to have further conversations. And then agreed to do it.

However, I had some things I needed to do first, so I gave him some instructions to keep him occupied. Put on your eternity collar. Go through the toy box and get out the things you are hoping I might use. Figure out what you are going to wear.

When I got there, he had amassed quite a pile of potential toys!

We spent some time with the straitjacket - mostly just standing up together with me holding him. The straitjacket was the foreplay, I think! (how often can you say that?)

Then we spent some time with him in the sleepsack. The sleepsack creates this black encased form - but then there is the zipper!

Then I put him in his restraints and chained together ankles, wrists (behind the back), and ankles-to-wrists. He could still walk around, but not really do much with his hands.

Then I attached him to the futon, and used a gag. (ball-on-a-post gag) And teased him about how I couldn't understand what he was saying, and he wasn't really kissing very well, and he'd have to try harder...

So all in all, a full evening of bondage! And we didn't even use everything he had put out. The handcuffs, the blindfold and hood, the sensation toys - all left on the floor.

I'm still learning to interpret the different responses created in me when I am in control of the scene versus when I am not. I think there are differences in how I feel afterwards, but I am still learning what that means.

just a little bit

2006-04-30T20:23:00.000-07:00

Rafe and I went to a house party recently. Nice, casual atmosphere, a handful of hard points, snacks.

Earlier in the week, I had decided I didn't want to play, and was a little bit wondering how the conversation would go when he asked about that. I had decided I didn't want to because the last time we played was over a month ago; also at a public venue. And I am not comfortable having the entirety of our play relationship be in public. That will not make me happy. I see public play as either: 1) a safe way to play with someone new, an introductory stepping stone to something bigger or 2) one small facet of a much deeper and richer private play relationship. Neither of which applies to us.

But he never asked, so I didn't bring any of my toys. Never asked that is, until we were in the car.. "so, did you bring your restraints?" "no". "Did you bring your shorts?" (I was wearing a skirt) "no". There was a silence as we both realized we had very different assumptions about the evening, and had not communicated them to each other.

The party was nice and social. Lots of chatting, catching up. A friend was doing needles for the first time, but it was actually a very slow play night. Not a lot going on. A couple friends of ours who hadn't been planning on playing decided to take advantage of the free hard points downstairs, and do a suspension / cutting the dress off scene. Rafe asked if I wanted to be restrained while we watched them.

I hesitated a little, but the fact that I had been having a good time socializing AND the fact that there was no-one else downstairs besides us and our friends... sure. I was not feeling as walls-up about it as I had been earlier.

So he cuffed my hands behind my back, put some ankle cuffs on as well, and we sat on the couch and watched our friends. He had his arm around me, and partway through started teasing my nipples. (Which are very sensitive!)

Then the other scene was done, and our friends left, and Rafe let me out of everything. And it was just us downstairs. I poked at him a little, and we did a teeny bit of standing up wrastling. This ended with him holding my hands behind my back, pulling my hair, and kissing my neck. And then us just standing there, holding each other. And I thought: "This. I want more of this.. it feels great."

But I want that sort of physical interaction / affectionate play all the time, not just in the bounds of a "scene". And he doesn't. After that night, it was a week before we even touched each other again (for a hug).

I think I'm getting to the point where I'm going to have to say "more, or none". I need more consistent, frequent physical interactions, or no play at all. This once every month or two super intimate and intense interaction bounded by weeks of nothing leaves me more unhappy than just not playing at all.

What is kinky?

2006-04-26T20:02:00.000-07:00

Figleaf recently wrote a post where he proposed a definition of the word kinky.

He started by posing the question "What Is Kinky?" and found that the most frequent definitions seemed to talk about what it was NOT: not just plain old sex. This leaving the actual details of what kink is rather sketchy and open to interpretation, cause what is plain old sex after all? Opinions will vary. So he then proposed the following:

...kinky [is] any behavior you feel compelled to engage in even though you don't enjoy it.

This set me back a bit, because it was such a different spin on kinky than how it's used in everyday language by the folks I hang out with. For us, it's fun, it's consentual, it's an all encompassing term for BDSM or, well, anything but vanilla sex. (precisely Figleaf's point).

I left a comment to this effect, and figleaf had a thoughtful response. Both below:

While I agree that your definition has universal and unambiguous understanding, I think that it won't sit well with the BDSM community. :)
"Kinky" there tends to be shorthand for "into some flavor of BDSM" - and most would say they thoroughly enjoy what they are doing! It is definitely being used in the anything but "just intercourse" vein you describe above. But being used proudly, and pervasively.

Don't know that that helps clear things up at all! JANE

[Oh it makes total sense but, as you note, it's used in *defiance* against real (or imagined!) standards of "normal" people. Which, in my opinion, conflicts with the sex-positive value that people should learn to be more relaxed and enjoy sex in all its diversity. (And the problem with *that* is that if everyone followed that advice then "kinky" people would be faced with one of two problems: accept that they're normal after all, or seek out even more radically alternative practices in order to retain their "kinky" distinctions.) If I can be personal for just a moment (forgive me if I'm crossing a line) I think that if the consensual, enjoyable BDSM you're drawn to acknowledged to be normal then there'd be no need for you to feel alienated from your congregation. But objectively BDSM is no more physically violent than, say, field hockey and not as psychologically aggressive as, say, competitive gymnastics -- both of which are considered normal. Know what I'm saying? The social benefits of distinguishing one's self from "normal" are pretty small while the social and psychological costs are much higher. Unnecessarily high, I think. Thanks, Jane. --fl]

What I got out of this was that if we choose an adjective for sex (kinky) that essentially means "not normal", then by embracing that definition we have deliberately chosen a difficult and minority stance. And why can't bondage, spanking, flogging and the like be normal?

I mean really. Why not?

Still, the definition of kinky as "something you don't want to do" still doesn't work for me. That's simply not how it is used in my community, that is not the definition imprinted in my vocabulary.

Then another reader (sistasilk) chimed in with the following insightful comment:

I think the issue you want to discuss is a semantic one. What does the word "kink" mean to you? Does it simply mean the fact that one is into gang bangs, floggers, leather gear, etc. or does it mean that one´s sexual practises constitute a minority in your part of the world. Wikipedia says "kinky" means "unconventional sexual practise", which suggests everything which is not merely done to procreate.

Kinky sex is any sex that is not for the sole purpose of procreation.

Now there is a definition I can get behind. Clear, applicable across social groups, and not inherently negative.

EVERYBODY should have a good experience with kinky sex. Especially women. AND kinky sex should be a normal part of the sexual experience. Consentually, of course!

you could be anyone

2006-04-14T07:00:00.000-07:00

Hmm, I just noticed that Feb and March each had three posts. Not quite once a week! The writing may pick up again, we'll see!

So anyway.. along with not writing as much, I'm also not reading blogs as faithfully as I used to. So it was a bit of a surprise to pop into Bliatz's blog and find out that Patty had confessed that her married life chronicles were Made Up.

Now, Patty was one of the first bloggers out there to link to me when I was a fledgling blog - right after Dave, if memory serves. And I feel a certain amount of gratitude to Patty for being nice to a newcomer, and adding me to her links, and in general being generous to other bloggers. She could also write some hot stories!

She was also very prolific. After a while, I stopped visiting every day, and just popped in now and then. Some of her stories and essays seemed right on, others just didn't hold my attention. However, it never crossed my mind that she wasn't actually married to Fred. I have tried to keep my blogroll populated with blogs that seemed authentic (real people, with real relationships and struggles) and also speak to me in some way. Patty had enough sincerity to get me at least a little interested, although I found I was connecting less and less as time went on.

So how did I feel about this revelation? Somewhat surprised, but certainly not devastated. (Not bereft in the same way I was when Amber decided to close up her previous blog and stop blogging for awhile - that blog was unabashedly real and was speaking right to me!) Certain posts or over-the-top responses of Patty's now made more sense. My feeling less connected to the blog now made more sense.

I feel bad for those that feel betrayed by a friend, but I do not feel so betrayed. Because really, you can be anyone you want on the internet. People are both more honest (just look at the stuff we sex-bloggers write!) and less honest (how many pseudonyms are out there?) online. I generally expect that the blogs I like that purport to be about someone's life are really more or less genuine reflections of that person's life - but I'm not going to be super surprised if they are not. I would have more difficulty if a good friend of mine I knew in real life revealed that they had been lying about stuff. But online? It's part and parcel of the environment that shit is being made up.

So, Patty. I'm a bit torn on whether or not to leave the link up. It appears that she is still writing erotic fiction, which is one of the things she was good at. And she was welcoming to me when I was new. But
Bliatz and Amber have expressed some valid points, worth considering. Like the fact she took donations for her (fictional) dead child. Or that the general, unhealthy commenting atmosphere hasn't changed. So, we'll see. Really, I hope that Patty gets the help and support she needs, and is able to make a life for herself that does not completely revolve around being online. Addictions are powerful, and scary.

not this time..

2006-04-10T18:26:00.000-07:00

I turned down an invitation to play the other night. This despite the fact that it's been over a month since Rafe and I did any playing...

So why?

Rafe had been angry and unhappy all day. Enough to make people at lunch worried about him. And he was still in a bit of a mood in the evening. I suspected that his proposal to play came out of an angst-ridden desire for some physical expression; a way to work off negative energy and not think about the things upsetting him. And I wasn't sure I wanted to have that directed at me. In fact, people in that state of mind seem to do much better on the receiving end of an intense play session - from all I've read, getting totally thrashed on can be an excellent catharsis.

But I had been feeling a little bleh that day, and wasn't prepared to offer that. And so I gently pressed him as to his frame of mind, and was he really in a good space to top? He regretfully admitted he was not. So we watched a movie instead.
And I'm back to working on a state of mind that doesn't expect any play to happen.

I think we've hit a bit of a plateau. We reached a certain baseline comfort level in play, and then stalled out. I believe that to really begin to work on exploring, making it better, pushing at boundaries, and understanding how we each work, we would need to be in a romantic relationship and committed to improving the relationship and quality of intimacy. But we're not, so those conversations don't happen. So it may be just as well that we are playing infrequently; more, and the absence of those conversations and opportunities becomes deeply distressing.

Hormones

2006-04-01T16:25:00.000-08:00

Humans are organic, hormonal creatures.

We don't like to admit it. At least, in our post-enlightenment, rational, valuing-the-mind cultures, we don't like to admit it. I wonder if this is some persistent thread of gnosticism; unknowing subscription to the earth/body bad; spirit/heaven good line of thinking.

But there it is, the messy body. Keeping us anchored to the earth. Pulled by forces we don't understand and can't control.

The woman knows first hand the vagaries of hormones. Every month, the body changes, moods change, arousal changes, and emotions become unpredictable. And there not a damn thing to be done about it. For someone used to being in control this can seem like betrayal.

Men had chemicals that make women feel good; women have chemicals that make men aroused. Changes in the brain chemistry can lead to depression, psychosis, or perhaps even genius.

I think it's good to inhabit your body, instead of cutting it off in favor of the mind, or medicating it beyond recognition, or surgically altering it to a more "pleasing" shape in one way or another. We don't know or understand our bodies enough in our culture. Some of this fear of the body is expressed in fear of sex.

As for me, I'm ruminating on this because I'm bloated, and lethargic, and irritable at the moment; coinciding with the onset of that time of the month.

what I want

2006-03-30T19:27:00.000-08:00

Hello, I'm still here. Things have been a bit quiet on the kink front, and I find I'm thinking about other aspects of my life more at the moment. So here's another post from the draft stock - I had labeled it "unfinished" but now I can't remember what else I wanted to say. So here it is, just a little teaser, somewhat short on the details of the sort I actually wanted from Rafe.

We were hanging out with friends, and I commented that it was hard to get Rafe to tell me what he wants/likes while playing. He replied that I didn't tell him that either, at which point I said (while leaving the room) "You never ask."

This prompted speculation in my absence about what I might want, and when I rejoined the conversation I found I wasn't prepared to discuss it there, then.

So, some thoughts.

When we were discussing the possibility of playing, I told Tim that what I wanted was to feel dominated and cared for. Both.

Physically and sexually dominated. Somewhat able to move but made to be still and subjected to directed attention. Things like having my head pulled back by my hair. Not in control of my responses, not able to direct the outcome.

Cared for. Held, kissed, complimented. Affirmed.

Both are important; they balance each other.

babies

2006-03-12T18:27:00.000-08:00

A friend of mine recently announced she was pregnant. With her SIXTH child. And no, they're not Mormon or Catholic.

All of the sudden, I'm overcome with the suspicion that they're not using any birth control. And they might not have actually been wanting/planning for such a large family. But really, how do you inquire after such a thing? Without totally putting your foot in your mouth, insulting their choices / children?

It could be insulting to imply that any of the children were not wanted or cherished.

And if they really truly believe it's God's will that they not use birth control, and I come along and challenge that, I'll either 1) make no headway or 2) plant doubts and dissonance. But if it's 2, then, well, it's already too late, eh? And where does that leave them?

This is a friend I don't see that often, so I'm inclined to leave well enough alone. Unwelcome advice is rarely successful. But it makes me think about the sad state of reproductive rights and education. Why are there still educated and intelligent women who believe they should not have the ability to control their pregnancies?

I myself have considered getting my tubes tied. I don't particularly want kids, and I think the world is overpopulated as it is. I also think that the social/cultural landscape is going to be very different 5-10 years from now, when our fundamentally unsustainable way of life becomes, well, unsustainable. And maybe I should exercise my right to choose while I still can.

Whoo, teetering on the brink of a very different conversation.

Anyway - back to birth control. Women should not feel it is a sin to use it!

play snippets

2006-03-04T12:28:00.000-08:00

Catch up on the backlog of play events that I haven't written about..

Rafe in a sleepsack
Somehow we went through a period of time were Rafe was tying me up several times in a row. It really was his turn. In fact, he has a birthday bondage scene that hasn't been cashed in yet! When we talked, he mentioned the monthly bondage event in our town, and I indicated that I would prefer to just tie him up in the privacy of his place. It seemed like we were trending towards just playing in public (the last two or three times we had played), and I didn't want that to become the pattern.

It wasn't really a hard sell, I don't think. He requested the sleepsack, so we started off with that. The sleepsack is great for immoblizing and at the same time exposing just those sensitive bits...

After a couple more configurations (tying him to a chair and then to the bed) we called it a night.

I think we both enjoyed ourselves, but the next day Rafe confessed to a mixed reaction - while he had fun, he also experience some emotional distress afterwards. Along the lines of - is this really a good thing to be doing together? unhappiness. I myself have had those reactions in the past (although not this time) so I wasn't too thrown, but still, a little sad we have this question hanging over us.

the bar
Ok, so it was really more like a bamboo pole. Just messing around with some kinky friends, one of whom had a bamboo pole. Rafe got it through my elbows behind my back, and then (he's taller than me) put his arms under mine and held my hands out in front so that 1) I couldn't get out of the hold and 2) he could exert upward pressure on the pole and force me to stand up straighter, tippy toes.

Sexy stuff.

Jane's turn
Recently, it was my turn to be tied up. I had expressed the sentiment that I enjoyed being partially restrained, but still able to interact with him a little bit. He decided that this meant what he should do was use four different lengths of spreader bars!

Here's the set up:
Futon, with leather straps and rings to serve as an attachment points.
Me: wrist and ankle cuffs with D rings to serve as attachment points
Four spreader bars with eye bolts in the ends
carabiners

Right side: a long spreader bar from the futon to my ankle, keeping that leg relatively stretched out. A shorter spreader bar from the futon to my wrist, positioning my hand about halfway between my foot and the futon.

Left side: A still long but shorter spreader bar from the futon to my ankle, keeping my leg partly bent. A very short spreader bar from my ankle to my wrist. (Still long enough to prevent me from getting at the carabiners).

And then lots of tickling that I really couldn't do anything about. I think I screamed "Not the feets" numerous times! Tickling is SO not a sub-space inducing activity!

So there you go, some little play snippets.

Women have clits, Men have penises

2006-02-27T19:04:00.000-08:00

Recently of an evening when Rafe and I were talking, we somehow got on the topic of clits versus penises. I ventured the opinion that they were fundamentally the same thing - that is, they started out the same in the fetus and then developed differently depending on the gender of the baby. He wasn't too sure he liked this idea. Seems logical to me though! Certainly they share some similarities, like:
getting bigger when aroused
placement on the body
general shape
extremely sensitive tip

Perhaps you can come up with more.

Here's a quote from Figleaf:
" And yeah, going back to the "clitoris is a little penis" thing, it's certainly the case that men and women's genitals develop from the same genital stub in the embryo (and only differentiate when the Y chromosome begins to express testosterone later in fetal development)" full post here - the part I quoted was in the comments.

Another link on the same topic.

It may have happened that some point later while playing, I might have referenced "my little penis". This thought could have possibly caused Rafe to immediately stop what he was doing and say "That's so not sexy!" at which point we perhaps both dissolved into giggles. And I might have been sternly admonished that mine, it's a clit.

When relating this story to some fellow kinksters over poker, a couple of the guys got into that coo-ey, head-shaking baby-talk mode and starting saying things like "whooo's got a widdle penis? YOU do! Ah, wook at the cute widdle penis! I just want to .... pinch it!" At which point the rest of us were overcome with laughter, barely able to continue coherently. The conversations would have been SO different if the vanilla friends had shown up!

writing is work

2006-02-20T13:20:00.000-08:00

Wow, my posts have been sporadic! Here's my explanation / excuse:

I'm an introvert. Interacting with people wears me out, and I NEED time to sit and veg, organize my surroundings, and process all the activity in my life. If I don't get that time... I'm just barely functioning, moving from one required activity to the next and collapsing at night.

The shock of going from Christmas break/vacation to work and school in full swing has significantly affected my ability to write.

Because writing takes work.

If I haven't had the time to think through and process what has happened to me, if I haven't had the time to veg out and regain some "connecting" energy; then composing meaningful and interesting and insightful blog posts is not. gonna. happen. Just even thinking about trying is enough to send a wave of fatigue.

I guess I'm feeling a little better now. So we'll see what the future brings, blog wise. It might help that it's a three day weekend and I slept till noon!

connection

2006-02-02T21:01:00.000-08:00

I watched "Mad Hot Ballroom" recently. A bunch of inner-city 5th graders, learning how to dance and preparing for a competition. Human drama, feel-good stuff. Having done my time on the dance floor, some of it felt very familiar.

So there's this part where the kids are practicing, and the teacher is saying "Look into their eyes and smile; whether you like them or not".

Good advice.

Totally made me anxious, just watching it.

Look into someone else's eyes? Who you hardly know? Eeek!

Yeah, this was something I struggled with while dancing. Just that little bit of connection - looking into someone's eyes for more than half a second - that was/is scary for me. What will I see? What will they see? What relational assumptions will be made? I don't know how to handle that.

Rafe would ask "what's the worst that could happen?"

Awkwardness. Miscommunication. Less control.

Would I live through it? Yeah.

sex and relationships

2006-01-30T18:45:00.000-08:00

Yeah, I'm still here! Another from the (more recent) archives..

In the beginning, I said to Rafe:
"What I want is a committed romantic relationship, and BDSM play as a part of that."

I didn't want casual sex. I didn't want multiple partners.

But I DID want connection, and intimacy.

Eventually, Rafe and I began playing; it seemed a way to get the connection and intimacy. There was certainly a whole lot of pent-up sexual tension!

Playing with Rafe is this ambigious place where it's not quite casual (we're good friends and plan to stay that way) nor is it a committed romantic relationship. We enjoy playing, but also feel like it lacks something, and we have hesitated to plow ahead full steam. Somebody recently characterized us as being like two secondary partners, each without a primary (to borrow from the poly vocabulary).

In recent weeks, while we are not playing, and I'm too busy to read sex blogs and reinforce the kinky-sex worldview, I find I still want what I did in the beginning.

"What I want is a committed romantic relationship, and BDSM play as a part of that."
A primary, monogomous partner. Connection and intimacy.

flogger?

2006-01-18T22:48:00.000-08:00

Hi there, nothing much to report on this last week. I've continued to be super busy, and the thought of writing anything has seemed overwhelming and insurmountable. But I don't want to be too neglectful, so here's a previously unpublished post.

I wrote this several months ago, when the actual argument took place. Other posts seemed more important, so this one has languished in my drafts. It's not really a pressing concern at this point; more academic. But we still haven't used the flogger. :)

Rafe and I are having a mild disagreement about his flogger.

He has one, a very nice leather and suede flogger, that he's used maybe twice for a full-on scene and a handful of times in a demonstration.

He feels that for the sake of precision and control, it is best to have the person being flogged upright, tied to something like a frame or a st. andrews cross.

I feel like I've read many many accounts of folks enjoying a flogging whilst laying or kneeling on a bed / chair / the floor, and so it seems to me that we should be able to Try That At Home.

But he's not comfortable with this. Highly resistant in fact. He compared it to cooking with gloves on.

I think it may be more like photographic-quality still life vs. Impressionism - different technique, different response, but still an enjoyable painting experience.

So we're kind of stalled out at the moment - he's been after me for years to try it, and now that I'm willing, we can't agree on the desired setting...

checking in

2006-01-09T19:03:00.000-08:00

I'm still here! But super busy - I expect that my posts may drop to once or twice a week for awhile. It seems like AT LEAST four of the seven days of each week I get up in the morning and leave, and don't set foot back in my place until it's late and time for bed.

So, a brief recap of some of the events in my life since I last posted.

- I went to the house-church gathering I mentioned here. It was a group of about 20 folks sitting around a living room, eating dinner and chatting. I had some good conversations (with other new folks) regarding spiritual journeys, and I'll probably go back at least a few more times before deciding something one way or the other.

- Rafe surprised me by asking for a play date, and setting it sooner than I thought was likely. We were ambitious - tried to pack the evening and give each of us a turn to top and bottom. It might have been too ambitious - we kind of petered out and ended up tired. However, I appreciated the setting up in advance, it allowed me to be able to plan with some assurance about what would happen. (And have fun anticipating!)

- I was going to have my first real play date with Tim this last weekend. However, he's had a bunch of really tough stuff going on in his life recently, and needs some time to take care of himself. So that's been postponed. More to come.

- I went to my second event at the local club as a member! The first being the evening I got the membership. It was a fun evening - fewer folks than normal, so more relaxed. Rafe and I played, and I had fun chatting with folks. Even though I was tired at the end of the evening, I was tempted to hang out on the couch and keep socializing...

- I saw "Nobody Knows". It was a powerful, if sad, film. Basic story line - four children (oldest age 12) are abandoned by their mother in a Tokyo apartment, and spend months on their own trying to figure out how to survive. After the movie was over, and I was standing looking out the window at the city, it seemed to me like we are all like those children in one way or another. All trying to survive, to make sense out of a confusing, sometimes hostile, sometimes friendly, sometimes indifferent, sometimes scary environment. Survival hangs by the thinnest of threads. A well done and subtle movie.

That's all for now! I'll try to keep up at least semi-regularly and throw in some hiakus.

State of the Blog - 1 year

2006-01-02T09:49:00.000-08:00

Wow. I've now been blogging for a year!

Blogger tells me I have 122 posts; that's 2-3 posts a week. Statscounter tells me that I average 73 visitors a day (11 returning visitors). And that I have amassed close to 22,000 hits.

I've worried about this blog being found and considered deleting it on numerous occasions, but it has survived. I've met new friends (special mention to the Virgin, a sister-soul) and seen blogs go away.

I started Haiku Sunday, and saw three different blogs try it out..

During this year I:
Stopped going to church regularly
Watched one of my parents die of cancer
Played with someone other that Rafe (two someones, actually)
Applied for a different job (and didn't get it)
Got myself almost all the way out of debt (just a few more credit card payments)
Introduced Rafe to my family (I'm sure they think we are dating)
Bought condoms for the first time ever (gotta keep those sex toys clean!)
Joined the local BDSM club after years of dragging my feet

And much of that is chronicled here.

Thanks to all the lovely people that link to me and to all those that visit, read, or comment regularly.

song for the virgins

2006-01-01T19:40:00.000-08:00

I was just introduced to this by my sister-in-law, and it seemed appropriate.

So for the other virgins out there and those with low libido partners... Enjoy!

Everyone else has had more sex than me

Haiku Sunday

2006-01-01T06:43:00.000-08:00

tossed and battered
this human experience
of fate or free will?

Transition

2005-12-31T13:29:00.000-08:00

I was reading my church's monthly newsletter and saw that one of my old roommates had had her second child last month.

I didn't know they were expecting; probably because I haven't been regularly going to church for about 7 months.

For some reason, this little one-line bit of news made me start crying.

Why? Not because I want kids. I think it was more evocative of something lost - church, past good times, a social network I enjoyed, people I care about. And this was a stark reminder that I am out of touch.

Public service announcement

2005-12-30T05:31:00.000-08:00

We interrupt our regular programming for the following PSA (US residents only):

www.annualcreditreport.com

DO IT! For your financial health and awareness, this is an important thing to do.

I recommend getting one every four months, rotating the credit bureaus. Me = Dec/Trans Union, April/Experian, August/Equifax.

Do not pay for "extras" (except maybe the credit score) such as ongoing account monitoring. The whole credit industry and credit bureaus in particular are looking out for themselves and NOT pro-consumer. Do not give them your money and encourage them in their incompetence.

(Yes, I'm biased. I've done some reading on identity theft, and recommend the following book if you are interested: Your Evil Twin )

We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming.

some faith stuff

2005-12-28T14:36:00.000-08:00

Two things I've been thinking about recently.

1) I heard a lecture several months ago by someone who claimed to be a follower of Jesus, but not a Christian. He did not want to associate with the doings of the church and its corruption, but did want to associate with the teachings of Jesus.

2) There was a story on This American Life (Heretic, 12/16/2005) about a pastor who became convinced that there was no hell. Jesus's death was for everyone, no exceptions, and hell is what we create here on earth. The suffering, oppression, violence, corruption, greed and selfishness - that is hell. Since Jesus died for all, there was less of a need to "convert" everyone to Christianity. These convictions destroyed his old Southern Bible Belt ministry, but he found a new one. One where everyone could be included. (It's worth a listen, if you have the time!)

These two ideas (follower of Jesus / there is no hell and everyone is saved) have been rolling about in my head. I'm not sure where I'll end up with them, but the inclusion of the latter is compelling to me.

I finally had that get-together with my old Bible study group. We sat around and chatted, caught up. No-one asked me why they hadn't seen me at church recently, and so the subject never came up. I had decided if it had I was going to say something along the lines of "I haven't felt like going recently. I've been scared to tell you, because I don't want you to think differently about me. It's difficult to articulate - if you are interested to talk to me further, let's get together one-on-one". And I felt good about that. But I didn't end up having occasion to say it.

I'm actually looking into a house church in my area - a group of people no longer comfortable in church but still wanting to worship God. I hope to visit next month. If it is group I end up wanting to be a part of, I will want to be open about my involvement in the kinky community. Because otherwise there is no point, really. We need places where we can be wholly ourselves, and one's faith community should be such a place.

I did it

2005-12-26T12:48:00.000-08:00

I became a member of the local BDSM club.

After all the angst and agonizing I put into not making that step, the actual event was surprisingly trouble-free.

It came down to: I'm acting like a member. I go to things, I hang out with folks, I know the rules. I fit in. All not being a member was getting me was plausible deniability at work and with church folk (I've gone a few times but I'm not a member...) and some amount of hassle and bother lining up folks to guest me into things I wanted to attend.

So I decided I would stop asking people to carry me and my insecurities, and make the honest step of claiming membership in a community that I do belong to. After all, I felt like people who went to the same church for years should join; does not the same principle apply to me here?

Tim led the orientation, and Rafe came as "immoral" support. Rafe and I stayed after for the regular Thursday night event, and a good part of that (for Rafe and I) became a little tickle pile on a chaise lounge with Tim and his visiting girlfriend. The interactions moved fluidly between different pairings/roles. Sometimes Rafe was tickling me, sometimes I was going after him. Sometimes Tim was pinching me, sometimes I was poking at him. Ditto for Tim's girlfriend. It was quite fun; thoroughly enjoyable. Eventually Tim took his girl off for more intentional and focused interacting; and not long after that Rafe and I left.

While it was good fun to mock-fight and be held - it was just a little foreplay, really. And a reminder that Rafe and I are not back to being comfortable playing together. Even though I might really want to play, (although the less he wants it, the less interested I am) I'm not saying anything or suggesting it until Rafe decides that he is ok with it and it's something he wants to do.

That evening and subsequent minor flirting has made it harder to maintain the frame of mind "I'm not expecting play or planning for the possibility"; but it's what I need to do to keep myself from being frustrated. So the fact that there's not even (time-wise) an opportunity for play for two weeks - no, I'm not thinking about that!

Haiku Sunday

2005-12-18T09:35:00.000-08:00

words slide through eyes ears
mind I am caught turning both
more and less aware

did it work or not?

2005-12-17T17:06:00.000-08:00

Context:
Rafe and I playing has been going in fits and starts recently. He hasn't been in the mood, hasn't wanted to, and I have been left in limbo wondering "tonight?" much of the time. But that is hard, and I recently told him that I was going to assume we weren't playing unless he scheduled something or we re-negotiated. I wouldn't bring my stuff over, wouldn't expect it to be a part of us hanging out. (Oddly enough, that conversation felt like it brought us closer together! but anyway..)

The setting:
We're going to a house party. We've been to this particular house party several times before, and sometimes have played and sometimes not. Earlier in the day, he asks me if I'd any plans to play that night, and I said no. He indicated he was thinking about maybe wanting to, but wasn't sure.

When it came time to change and go, I indicated what I thought I'd be up for that night (having my hands tied and being held while watching other folks play - nothing too strenuous) and he, while still expressing some hesitation and unsurety, thought that would work and packed some stuff. So not the most auspicious of beginnings.

At the party, after chit-chat and munching, a fairly strenuous single-tail scene is beginning. It seemed like as good a time as any to put our plan into action (it was also getting late) but.. he had been chatting with a cute new girl. And when I suggested we play now, he expressed some reluctance to stop talking to the girl. I told him we didn't need to play and turned away. It made me frustrated and angry, because it was HIS idea; he wanted to do it, and now someone else was more interesting. He did go get the stuff after a moment, but I was almost ready to call the scene and say no - you don't want to do it. Let's not. But I figured that would just make both of us unhappy, and perhaps playing would ease the tension and help.

So we got me restrained, and sat on the couch. For the first little while he was pretty passive, and I was still unhappy. But then he started interacting with me; touching, scratching my arms, poking at sensitive spots. And things started to feel better.

However, there was a point where he changed the configuration of the bondage, and after that (from my perspective) things started to go downhill a bit. He started to get more aggressive, and then confessed he felt like being mean, and more or less stopped interacting with me. We went and watched a different scene, and I sat on the floor and leaned against him, but it felt very passive. He wasn't holding me or touching me, and he resisted my efforts to hold his hand.

And then abruptly we were "look at the time" and getting out of the bondage and into coats and it was all so detached and I thought where's my aftercare? Not that I needed that much, really, until there was nothing... It would have been one thing if the sitting together had felt at all "together" or affirming, but it hadn't. I had to ask for a hug. There was no "thanks for the scene" no acknowledgment or checking in.

And this made me unhappy. It colored how I felt about the whole night, and I ended up feeling like he hadn't wanted to play with me really, and was just going through the motions even though it was his idea. That we started off wrong and ended wrong. That he was feeling mean because he really resented the fact he had to play with me.

And I wanted to get angry and say "Don't ask to play if you don't want to!" and "I need affirmation and aftercare, so if you can't do that, we shouldn't play" and more things along those lines.

But then the next morning, when he asked how I was doing and I said "ok, but we'll need to talk about last night sometime soon" he looked shocked and asked why. When I said that I had felt unhappy afterwards, he had an expression of disappointment cross his face and agreed; but later when we weren't so tired.

So that made me wonder - what was his experience of the evening? Obviously he wasn't thinking there were problems to talk about.

*******************

Later we had a chance to discuss this, and he confirmed that he had been disappointed and frustrated that I felt the need to have a talk about the evening. But he figured it was probably because I hadn't felt cared for, which was more or less the case. From his perspective, we'd negotiated some light bondage/playtime, and that had happened, and he'd enjoyed it.

*******************

I'm not sure how playing together will go in the future - I'm still in the "I'm not expecting anything" frame of mind, as he still seems to be not wanting to play really at all. And when one person isn't into it, it's hard to maintain any kind of real desire or happy expectations, you know?

discussion

2005-12-14T19:18:00.000-08:00

Rafe and I had dinner with some friends last night. A segment of the conversations started by referencing a recent news story about a female teacher who had a relationship (and babies?) with one of her underage male students. Not Mary Kay Letournau, another one.

And one guy put forth a line of reasoning that went like this:

1. Teenage guys are horny bastards, and want to sleep with hot women. What guy hasn't had a thing for a teacher at some point?
    a. Because they WANT it, it shouldn't be wrong if it happens. There's nothing inherently wrong with 15-year old boys sleeping with 40 year olds, if they want to.
    b. They won't be sleeping with anyone that much older than them who's not hot/desirable.
      i. Because they are unlikely to have sex with anyone they don't already want to have sex with, it's not a problem when it happens, regardless of the age difference.

My point - wouldn't their raging hormones and lack of experience make them MORE vulnerable to being manipulated and used sexually rather than less?

2. Teenage girls need to be protected from creepy older men. Young girls having sex with older men have likely been coerced into it through abuse of power and authority.
    a. Men use power to get sex from girls who (probably) wouldn't want it if given the choice; that's bad and should be stopped.
    b. Young girls should have to get permission from family before entering a relationship with anyone 5 or more years older than them.

My question - so when WOULD women be "allowed" to make decisions about their sexuality? Answer - defined "age of consent" - 18 or so

He openly acknowledged the double standard, and didn't see a problem with it. I confess I was a little dumbfounded to find ideas like this rattling around in the brain of someone of my acquaintance...

Point #1. People who prey on CHILDREN are dangerous, regardless of the gender. Yes, there are differences between genders. Yes girls and boys will respond and act differently in the same situation. But - still-developing brains and lack of experience means both genders can be prone to costly mistakes and both genders can be manipulated and abused by people older than them. Maybe the means of manipulation is different, but it's still damaging.

Point #2. Please please please tell me that we've gotten beyond the sort of thinking that says women are incapable of making decisions for themselves about sex. That women are paragons of virtue to be protected from the baser, uncontrollable males. That boys can fuck whomever they want with impunity (the more the better) but a non-virginal girl is damaged goods. (Both ends of that spectrum are unhealthy.)

still shaking my head

starting talks

2005-12-12T20:53:00.000-08:00

Tim and I had dinner. It was a chance to get to know each other better, hear a bit about our lives, and then delicately begin to talk about playing together. Expectations, what I'm looking for...

And I had to say I don't really know. I know some things; big things like no sex. (and what is "sex"? hmmm) But this will be new territory.

We've tentatively said January.

I feel like I missed the whole teenage sexual exploration thing, and now I have the opportunity to have another go in a more healthy, mature and controlled environment. Where I'll be encouraged to talk about what I'm ok with and what I'm not; what I like and what I don't.

mmm, new possibilities.

At one point in the conversation, he threw out the idea that anyone who is in a relationship (sexual or not) with more than one person is to a certain degree "poly". There are more forms of intimacy than physical sex.

It's an interesting thought.

Haiku Sunday

2005-12-11T19:06:00.000-08:00

the noise you make it
stirs, unguarded raw I take
wonder in my work

Kink scene

2005-12-08T19:10:00.000-08:00

Many of the kinky/sex blogs I read seem to be about a married couple exploring D/s. Usually they're conducting their exploration with each other, aided by internet resources, books and sex shops. Occasionally there will be mention of another couple they know who is on the same path that they met; probably through blogging.

But there are very few blogs that indicate the bloggers are part of the kink community where they live. All the ones I know about are from my city! Oh, there are many swinger blogs out there - people in open relationships have sex with many people - but very few where the focus is BDSM.

So I feel like I'm in a unique place - not only am I talking about sex and faith, but I'm also dealing with what it means to be a part of a community that embraces BDSM. And that brings up different issues than those encountered by couples exploring BDSM on their own.

What different issues?

Well, I think my post about trying to decide if I should play with other people is part of that. Very much the norm in the community. And my angst about becoming a member at the BDSM club. And playing in public, and parties.

(But I have to say, it's really nice to have a group of supportive people around with whom one can discuss issues of sexuality without it being a big deal!)

So the other night, at the monthly bondage party, I came away feeling conflicted. Part of me had for sure decided that I was going to become a member of the club this month, and another part of me was looking around thinking "what the fuck am I doing here?" (not to diminish the fact that I had a good time with Tim - this was a more general and diffuse questioning, of the sort that I've had before.)

It's not fun when internal aspects are feuding like that.

I want integrity, alignment and wholeness.

bondaging

2005-12-05T20:21:00.000-08:00

That's a meld of bonding and bondage, in case you were wondering!

And that's what Tim and I did last night.

He's the one who previously expressed a desire to tie me up, for those keeping track.

Here's the set up.

Monthly bondage party at the local BDSM club. Lots of cool people I'm getting to know better. A workshop beforehand, and a kinky event the day before. Two-plus weeks since Rafe and I have played at all, and me thinking that SOMETHING was likely to happen this weekend, one of those days.

But no.

He was unsure, and studiously ignoring any opportunity. I was ready, he was not. So by the time we're at the party, surrounded by folks at play, I'm pretty unhappy. Withdrawing, not wanting to interact, frustrated.

And then Tim smiles at me, and I go sit by him, and we start talking. This leads to the idea of practicing a little rope stuff with each other. And since Rafe had brought rope for the workshop, there was rope to be had.

So we stake out a place across the room and take turns. I bemoaned my lack of knot-tying skills - there were times when just a few more knots would have been quite handy! He created a very pretty pattern with black rope on my jeans and natural hemp on my black tank top.

And I felt much better afterwards. It was pretty simple, as scenes go. Half hour / forty-five minutes, some rope work on the body, admiring the effect, and undoing it. But my mood significantly improved.

Enough that I wasn't pulling away from Rafe anymore. I gave him a little backrub, then Tim a little backrub, then got one myself from Rafe, and then just sat cozy on the couch with him for awhile.

I could have easily been totally miserable by the end of the evening (I know, I've done it before), but instead I came away... huh. I want to say content, or peaceful, or happy, but none of those are quite true. I was more those than miserable, but still dealing with some internal angst about being at the club in general, which is perhaps a different post.

This is the post about a very nice and helpful bondaging with Tim, and a successful sticking-the-toe-in-the-water of playing with others.

Haiku Sunday

2005-12-04T09:37:00.000-08:00

held by fear I wait
opportunities unsought
whisper; what binds you?

plays well with others

2005-12-01T19:00:00.000-08:00

Rafe would like to see me have a good boyfriend experience. (I would like that too!) He would also like to see me have fun playing with other guys. The two are not necessarily the same.

Part of me doesn't like this. I want him to be a little possessive, jealous... something that would indicate it matters if I'm with other guys. But he's not.

So, playing with other guys. Which does not, for me, mean sex. In my non-married state. (in case you were wondering)

There are currently three guys of my acquaintance with whom that might be a possibility. One has already suspended me once, another has explicitly expressed a desire to tie me up, and a third (although we have not discussed it) might be amenable.

But. All of them are poly. Two are married even, with secondary (even tertiary) partners solidly established. So MY desire for an exclusive, romantic relationship would not really be an option here.

And this is what has sort of been my boundary line in the past. I don't what to play with someone with whom I'm not in a relationship. I don't want it to be casual intimacy. I want the relational context first, and THEN play.

But I feel that eroding a bit. And I'm considering - is this something I want to do? Is this something I should do? Is my old standard still valid? Why or why not? Does the relational context HAVE to be exclusive-romantic, or can it just be people I'm friends with and enjoy? To a certain degree, playing with Rafe has eroded this, because we are not an exclusive-romantic couple. Just e.r.c.-esque.

So what would the benefit be to me? Well, more experience interacting with guys. More confidence. A chance to further explore my sexuality and what I like in a safe context.

These seem like good things.

What I'm wondering, what keeps me quiet and hesitant, is - would such experiences move me closer to being myself, my core, who I want to be? Or further away? (Or do my choices determine "who I want to be"?)

If I start to play casually with guys in a poly environment, will that negatively impact my ability to find/have a committed relationship down the road? Will I be able to play casually at all anyway?

Or will it make me a stronger person, more sure of herself and what she wants?

Lots of questions.

a little bit of bondage..

2005-11-29T17:49:00.000-08:00

The other night Rafe and I had a "little bit of bondage".

It was supposed to be both of us trying stuff out on each other, light play.

But it turned into mostly me being tied up. There was (at various points) the configuration I showed here; some ankle cuffs connected by a chain, a rope chest harness, a modified hog-tie, and a spreader bar for my wrists.

And me blindfolded, and poked at a bit.

I did get to practice some ropework on him before we called it a night (wrists to ankles, and a chest harness with hands behind the back) and this revealed my rope skills are in sore need of practice.

Perhaps I should dig out the rope that has seen little action (as he recently reminded me, to my chagrin) which he bought me for Christmas last year, and practice my knots.

Haiku Sunday

2005-11-27T21:22:00.000-08:00

keys are out of reach
sight gone, I can't tell your place
tensing, when where next?

Masquerade

2005-11-22T10:36:00.000-08:00

The ball was lovely, and my corset was a definite hit! In fact, everyone turned out in style, and everywhere you turned there were smashing outfits to be seen. So glad for the newlyweds that everything worked out and there was a party.

So, a little bit of description for you. I wore the corset, a floor length black skirt with slits up to mid-thigh on both sides, fishnet stockings, elbow-length black gloves, and a dress collar. A feather boa and masque topped it off. There were plenty of other women in corsets and/or floor length gowns, so I fit right in.

Rafe, now. Rafe made a Statement with his outfit. Tight, shiny black pleather pants. A long sleeve black shirt with rivet holes on the sleeves. A leather harness he made himself - straps of leather, O rings, buckles. Over the shoulder straps, two around the torso, a crotch strap; all connected to large O rings in the center. And. And a full-on leather hood. There were pin prick holes around area of the eyes, so he could (sort of) see out, but he left the muzzle piece on so his mouth was hidden. Bit of an imposing figure, all got up like that.

Part way through, he took off the hood, worried it was sending the wrong vibe for the party; but then, everyone he talked to about it was like "No - I thought it was totally hot!" So after a bit he put the hood back on. One girl was ALL over him, entranced with the "bondage toy". He wore the hood for several hours, all told.

So yay for celebrations and dressing up!

Haiku Sunday

2005-11-20T10:52:00.000-08:00

In the traditions of Half-Naked Thursday, cock-blogging Wednesday, pussy-blogging Friday with a little bit of 25 Words thrown in; may I present to you Haiku Sunday. :)

There's a haiku generater for live-journal, that (I think) scans your blog for stuff and spits out a haiku. The one it did for my (vanilla) blog was eerily accurate. So haiku #1 here will be in that tradition - reflecting some essence of this blog.

fully clothed bondage
anxiety to be known
want more anyway

ouch

2005-11-18T15:37:00.000-08:00

I bought a pair of nipple clamps, and I have to say, I was disappointed.

Of course, they weren't the ones I wanted. I was at a real world store, and not online. And they didn't have the ones I wanted. So I got something else.

And ouch.

They hurt!

They have too much tension. I want to take them back, and trade for something a little less extreme. But I don't know if I can.

Sometimes, the reality just isn't what you were expecting.

awkward silence

2005-11-14T19:44:00.000-08:00

So, I was at a social event with Rafe and another girl we know (previously occurring in the blog as Ann) the other night. He's out to her; I'm not.

It was a many-personed social event, and we ended up with another girl that none of us knew at our table, and had a pleasant evening of conversation.

At one point we spent some time discussing Rafe and I - she wondered if we were together. So we discussed how our body language and interactions apparently scream "couple!" although we do not self-identify that way. (Some people have assumed we were married.) And we talked about some of the reasons why we're not dating. She really wanted to know how physical the relationship was; assuming that that might explain the vibe we give off, but was too polite to ask. Or ask too directly. We established that there was sexual tension, but we hadn't ever kissed each other on the lips. But that really doesn't even begin to get to the physicality that is there.

Later, at a different point in the conversation, Rafe came out to her, and talked about BDSM, what it is, what the rules are (safe, sane, consentual) and about the presence of a local community. So this girl turned to me and wanted to know if this was one of the things we had in common, or one of the things we disagreed on in our non-relationship relationship.

And I offered up how I had been to the club, but little more than that. I felt awkward, and didn't want to get into details.

Later I realized that really the issue was not the stranger-girl, but Ann. Whom I wasn't out to yet. If she hadn't been there, I would have gone into much more detail, and happily provided stranger-girl with the information she was looking for. But with Ann there, already surprised to hear I'd been to the club, I fell prey to the fear of What Will People Think.

And I feel bad about it. It seemed deceptive to not say more than I did, and I want to live honestly as much as possible.

Rafe had encouraged me to come out to Ann in the past, and that certainly would have helped in this situation. I think that some more honest conversation with Ann is likely in the future.

dress up!

2005-11-12T22:31:00.000-08:00

There's a fancy party coming up; a friend of mine is throwing a masquerade ball. I don't have a lot of fancy dress up fetish stuff (ok, any) so I had to go shopping. Most of the fetish stuff I have that I might wear is more punk/industrial.

So, I'm excited! I found a really cool corset. My first one. (I haven't had luck with off-the-shelf, and haven't wanted to pay for a custom made one.) But this one works well. And I found a link so you, my dear readers, could also see what I found!

Of course, I don't look like any of those models. And my corset is white (not shown). And I'll definitely be wearing more than a g-string and garters - think black skirt. But you get the idea. At least the outlines of the idea.

Yay parties and new stuff!

on TV

2005-11-10T18:00:00.000-08:00

I don't have a TV. I've been TV free for the past two years, and it's been great!

However, they still have seductive power. I had occasion to be in a hotel a few days ago, and there it was - the picture box. Late at night and brain dead, its power was compelling...

And I found myself sucked in. Flipping through the channels, trying to find interesting things to watch. Spending way too much time on things that didn't deserve it.

I'm glad to be back in my TV-free zone.

One of the shows I happened across was one of the many "Law and Order" franchise. And this week, they were tracking down a sadistic bastard who enjoyed hurting, torturing and imprisoning women against their will, and had managed to kill someone.

The snippits of this that I saw made me feel angry, and ashamed. Ashamed of my own, perfectly consentual desires and activities, in as much as they bore some superficial resemblance to what was portrayed there. And then angry that such portrayals exist, and would affect me that way.

It's not right that THESE are the images and values fed to the unsuspecting general public. That this is what people will think of when they encounter BDSM for real in someone they know. That the focus is on unhealthy perversions of sexual activity, with little holding up of the good and positive.

Really, our society is totally messed up on the subject of sex.

When there's nothing to say

2005-11-05T05:15:00.000-08:00

Sometimes, trying to write a post seems an overwhelming task. I cannot marshal my thoughts into coherence, cannot divine what it is I want to say. I stare blankly, unable to summon the energy to compose.

It is easiest to write in the throes of strong emotion, or when an idea is fully formed and captivating. Hardest to write when I'm tired, when the emotions have slipped away before I knew them. The spark of creativity flickers uncontrollably - I never can tell when I will have words worth saying spring from my fingers.

I seem to be in a dry spot now, where a sentence will abruptly stop, midway through, and I sit wondering how it might end.

Here, then, is my post on not posting.

Me and Church

2005-10-30T13:27:00.000-08:00

Leading up to the point where Rafe came out to me, and I discovered I was kinky, I had some "liberalizing" influences in play already.

*Some of the women I was closest to at church were exploring ideas of feminism and Christianity. The church has not always been so nice to women, particularly sexual women, you know?

*Due to the influence of one person in particular, I had moved from the insidious "Some Catholics might be Christians too" strain of thinking that came from my parents to a much more ecumenical and open view of "other" kinds of Christianity. We all have things to learn from each other; none of us has the complete truth. Unity is better than in-fighting; diversity more interesting than sameness.

*I found I was getting more concerned about the environment, and how rampant consumerism destroys too many things. Local, sustainable living seems like something we MUST do.

*I read a book on violence that tipped me strongly towards pacifism.

And in general, I would say that the teaching and learning I was doing was tilted towards a community-oriented, relational, loving experience of God rather than a rigid set of rules to follow.

Into that mix, came the shocker of finding myself in a stigmatized sexual minority.

This caused me to see the church differently, to read Scripture differently, to hear the words of Jesus and of men differently. What matters when you are different, not "normal"? What are your fears and motivations?

I became convinced that the gospel really was intended for the suffering and outcast, and that the modern church really had very little connection to that experience. (At least in the western world)

For several years after the advent of kink-consciousness, I still went to church. It seemed important. But it wasn't the same. I gradually felt more and more out of step with what was going on.

At some point, influence by things I had read and my experience and different conversations, the question "how much of religion is man-made? designed to meet a social need, keep social cohesion, and enforce membership?" floated up.

Not that I could have articulated it that way at the time.

But what I felt was that I had all of the sudden been given a glimpse backstage. The best I could articulate was that I felt I had pulled back the rich tapestry of church and seen the scaffolding behind that was holding it up. Bare wood beams, pulleys, dust.

And at that point it became physically and psychically difficult to go to church. I could not enter into the worship with those around me. And so I stopped going. (This was probably in early 2005).

While I cannot deny that my kinky journey has had a strong influence on how I see and practice faith, I do not think that it is the ONLY thing impacting my current state of doubt and searching. I believe that even if I was to totally cut all ties to the kink community and sublimate my sexuality, I would still not be able to go back to church and return to the belief I had. Once you've opened Pandora's box, it cannot be shut again.

I'm still a little troubled. I know all the arguments and verses that would be levied at someone like me.
The wisdom of God is foolishness to the unbeliever.
Your sexual sin is keeping you from right relationship with the church and believers.
You are setting aside faith so you can justify your sinful lifestyle.
And so forth.

And I wonder sometimes - what if those arguments are right?

And then I wonder (and this is even more scary, in some ways)- what if they are not?

I'm still here

2005-10-25T20:27:00.000-07:00

Hello my blog friends! (and all you new folks too! especially glad to hear from the "you're writing my story" folks - you know who you are...) I'm still here, still ok... I'm just having a hard time finding the energy to make posting happen. Seems like I'm running from thing to thing, not even getting online some nights. (gasp)

So, the meeting with the church friends didn't happen. It got canceled, tentatively rescheduled for a future date... nothing to report at the moment. If/when it does happen, I'll link back to my previous post as a refresher.

Played with Rafe last weekend. First time in a month. I'd told him it was up to him to bring it up, because he was the one feeling not-in-the-mood. So of course he proposes it when *I'm* sort of emotionally on the rocks. The day before I had had a big emotional meltdown. Uncontrollable crying, unable to see things in my life I felt good about, just not happy in general.

And I wasn't sure it would be a good idea to play. I wasn't expecting it, wasn't prepared, wasn't sure it would help me feel better. So I told him I needed more "being cared for" than "teasing and torturing" and we sort of left it open as a possibility.

The occasion that brought it up was going to a party. It was good to see folks, chat, catch up, get hugs. After a bit of this, I was feeling better. So while the bulk of the crowd was downstairs watching exciting suspension scenes, we started to play upstairs.. nothing too elaborate, we were just sitting on the floor with me tied up in configurations that changed every so often.

Of course, the downstairs crowd came up at some point, and it was terribly easy to get distracted and worry about people milling around saying goodbye. I felt a bit self-conscious. And the flow got broken up a bit. But we got complimented, and I did feel better.

Except now I'm worried. How much was not playing affecting me? It is difficult for me, close as we are, to hang out with Rafe and have no physical interaction. Which is kind of the way it goes.

Touch is a good thing - we (the human we) need it more than we know.

intersections

2005-10-16T20:58:00.000-07:00

I have a post rolling around in my head on "Me and The Church", which hopefully will answer some of the comments and questions on my last post. (Thanks to those who commented!)

However, in the interests of time and upcoming events, I'm going to post here about something scheduled to happen this week.

There was a group of women at my church that I was a part of. We met together for 5-6 years - not always the same people, but I was part of it from the beginning. Sometimes a bible study, sometime topical discussion, sometimes social. The last 3 years of the group overlapped with the start of my kinky journey.

Over the last year, I attended only sporadically (there were other life things unrelated to kink that prevented me from going all the time) and I think others were having life changes affect them as well. In the summer we tentatively decided to disband. And there is a "catch up" meeting scheduled this week.

As I think I mentioned earlier in my blog, I have told a few people in my church about being kinky - but none of those people will be at this meeting. Rafe expressed some astonishment that despite the longevity of our group, we never talked about things like sex... I think that's perhaps not so uncommon in religious circles as you might think. After all, sexuality is supposed to be restricted and controlled... So I don't intend to talk about kink and sex when we meet.

But I will probably address the fact that I haven't been going to church recently. And this is causing me some amount of stress.

I don't want to have to tell them that I'm not the same person they used to know: that I'm not going to church at the moment.

Why?

Because I don't want to disappoint them or have them judge me.

Why?

Because they have been important people in my life, and I don't like disappointing people.

Why?

Because deep down, the basic fear I struggle with is fear of rejection, and I think this has the potential to be a moment of (if not outright rejection) lack of acceptance. And that is painful, because that community has meant so much to me.

***************************

When I first discussed this with Rafe, I admitted that I was perhaps being uncharitable and selfish in my fear, assuming for my friends without asking them that they would not want to be my friends anymore. And of course, if I completely cut myself off, that will become the truth!

So I feel like I should go; and extend some honesty about where I am at; and face my fears; despite my trepidation.

I'll let you know what happens.

And I'll put together that post on my current thoughts about God and religion.

why I'm not a member..

2005-10-11T11:35:00.000-07:00

One of the things I have consistently refused to do is join the local BDSM club. At first, it was because I felt that it would be innapropriate for a Christian to be a member - that such a membership would not be approved of by the church community. Plus, I wasn't sure I wanted to attend things.

However, a couple things have shifted for me. One, I'm no longer regularly attending church (that's another post, I think). Two, I've started to develop friendships with folks in the kinky community, and so I have greater reason to attend events sponsored by the club. It's a way to see my friends, meet folks, and be social.

So I've started to WANT to go to club events. Not being a member, I have to rely on the goodwill of other members to get me in. So I'm feeling a little bit like a mooch, and one person recently said: "you're milking it! You're not pulling your weight..."

So what's the hang up? Well, I work for a Christian organization. And I feel like being a member of such a club would voilate the lifestyle expectations of our organization. So it's a technical way to comply with what (I percieve) is expected of members of the work community.

I explained this to a friend of Rafe's and mine, and she said "But you're going! How is that different?" And I had to pause. Because I *am* going to things (maybe one per month) so is there really a fundamental difference between attending as a member or as a guest?

I don't have a good answer. But I do know - I need to get a new job!

linking

2005-10-06T20:35:00.000-07:00

I moved some links around - added, deleted and the like. My policy: I add links I want to read regularly, because they spoke to me at one time or another, and still do (at least a little bit).

I've been blogging less than a year, and so much changes! You make some internet friends, and poof! one day they are gone. Back to Real Life, I guess.

It's especially sad (to me) when bloggers who have liked my stuff enough to link to me go away. I figure I have had 5 or 6 blogs that linked to me simply close up shop and disappear. Another handful (3?) who used to link to me and for whatever reason no longer do.

And while that may not sound like much, referrals are *the* way you are found in blogland. And I don't have so many, so I cherish the few I do get.

So my thanks to the faithful, still out there bloggers who have linked to me!
Dave who was the very first! and his lovely wife Am. Generous and caring Patty. Gabby and Angel. If I've missed anyone, please let me know! Now that BondageBlog has linked to me, they are filling up my (free) last 100 visitor stats counter, and it's easier to miss blogs that send small numbers my way.

And an honorable mention to Wendy, who has just today posted her farewell missive. She will be missed.

poster's remorse

2005-10-04T18:36:00.000-07:00

I went to bed wondering if I should edit / delete the last entry.

A while back, I came across a blog post where the author stated that whatever goes up, stays up. As a way to keep it real and uncensored.

And I thought - yeah, that sounds like a good rule to follow.

So I'm worrying last night, and tell myself no, I can't break the rule.

And now I'm wondering - why must I follow the rules? I've ALWAYS followed the rules. I expend much angst about what is the right thing to do, which is not, after all, a bad thing to try to determine. But I'm questioning whether "the right thing to do" is always following some arbitrary rule?

up and down

2005-10-03T20:46:00.000-07:00

Two weeks ago, Rafe and I packed a bunch of playing into one weekend.

Friday, I topped him. I put him in a straitjacket while we watched "The Jacket" (not the most compelling movie I've ever seen) and then I tied him up. And was embarrassed to find my knot-tying skills woefully unpracticed. It took me way too long to get some basic knots tied to the bed frame....

Sunday, he topped me. I was apparently more vocal in my responses to what he was doing than I normally am. Rafe commented that he really enjoyed that.

*******************************************************************

A few days ago, I asked him about potential play times, and he said that that weekend had been too much, and sort of put him off playing (with me) for awhile. He wasn't in the mood - not sure when he would be again.

Every so often, I get reminders that he's really not (romantically) interested in me, and this was one of those times. Kind of hard to absorb, although not unexpected.

There have been other girls he's played with in the past where he expressed a similar sentiment (after playing, he didn't really want to hang out with them again for awhile). I tended to take a dim view of this, thinking that he shouldn't be playing with people he didn't really care about; and if he was attracted to them then he wouldn't find his interest so thoroughly dropping after some play time.

And yet, here I am, right smack in the middle of that dynamic I had criticized.

*************************************************************

Still, I am reminded of the "early days", when one scene was enough to put us both off playing for three to six months. Too much? Too scary? Too many boundaries being pushed? So perhaps 2-3 weeks isn't that big of a deal, comparatively.

I wish I was more sure of myself, and who I want to be.

spiders

2005-09-24T20:16:00.000-07:00

I had a dream about spiders last night.

There was a room in the basement of my parents house, which is full of boxes and stuff. I was visiting, and went in, and found there was a large (mouse-sized) spider there, building a web. There were also many smaller spiders, but this large spider frightened me. It could jump, halfway across the room. I felt the need to close off the room, and keep people from going in because the spider was so big, it would be hard to kill safely, and something bad might happen. However, while I was worried about it, no-one else seemed to be. I tried to convey my sense of concern and fear, but it didn't carry to anyone else.

I looked online for information about what spiders might represent in a dream. If found this dream dictionary which had this to say:

To see a spider in your dream, indicates that you are feeling like an outsider in some situation. Or that you may want to keep your distance and stay away from an alluring and tempting situation. The spider is also symbolic of feminine power. Alternatively, a spider may refer to a powerful force protecting you against your self-destructive behavior.

Feeling like an outsider - check. Old places that felt comfortable no longer do, and I am still struggling to find new people and places where I feel I fit.

Keeping distance from temptation - check. I still feel at odds with sexuality - wanting more than I feel I should; wanting the safe, sanctioned space of a marriage relationship but there's none to be seen; wanting to be more involved with the kinky community but afraid of how that will change me. So I'm trying to shut the door, on something too big to be killed, afraid of what might happen....

work

2005-09-21T19:33:00.000-07:00

Despite its lack of connection to the stated subject of this blog, I really want to bitch about work. About incompetent management, and dysfunction, and poor lil me, needing a new job.

But that would be me complaining and not being part of the solution. A few of us have convinced ourselves that the "solution" is for certain people to leave, and if they won't we will - - but no actual TALKING to the people we have problems with directly about the issues has happened. (mostly because we think it won't change anything for the better)

So here I am, getting all worked up about past decisions that can't be changed, and poor (in my opinion) decision making. grrrr and all that.

State of the blog

2005-09-20T20:25:00.000-07:00

Whoo hoo! I've gone over 10,000 page loads...

Now, I know that's small potatoes compared to some, who can get 10,000 page loads in a DAY, where it took me nine months. And that's only with the help of bondageblog, which has tripled my traffic over the last two weeks since they linked to me.

I'm getting about 9 returning visitors per day.

I still go through bouts of insecurity and wonder if I shouldn't just scrap the whole thing. Do I want this part of my floating around the internet? Nobody's commenting anyway... (ok, a few of you are! yay friends)

Sometimes I feel like writing, and sometimes I feel like I barely have enough energy to read my blogroll, let alone write anything. Which isn't to say I don't have things to write about. They seem to be happening more frequently these days! I feel like I have been neglecting my ruminations on faith, I'll have to see if I can work some in. Along with the final installment or two of the "history" series.

To all my (recurring) visitors, thanks for stopping by.

on how to ask for a key

2005-09-20T19:52:00.000-07:00

Rafe has an eternity collar. He finds it comfortable, arousing, and fun to wear.

A couple weeks ago, we were going out somewhere (dinner?) and when he showed up to get me, he was wearing it. During the car ride, I decided that I should have the key. Yes, that was what should happen - I mean really - if he's going to be wearing a locking collar out and about, what is the point of him having the key? Clearly, I should have it.

And I said something to that effect. I think you should give me the key. Now, it wasn't a hesitating or questioning intonation - but he mocked me all the same as if it had been. You think maybe, possibly, it might be a good idea if I gave you the key? What is that about? I laughed, but I was a little perturbed, because I really hadn't been tentative about it, and felt like I'd actually consciously stepped out of my comfort zone a little.

A little while later I held out my hand wordlessly, and he turned over the key.

Recently, he turned up again wearing the collar. And then complained when some minutes had gone by and I hadn't commented on it. oh, I said, I was thinking I would tell you to give me the key when we got to your place. He questioned my ability to do so, pushing me; pushing, really, to have me demand it.

When we got to his place, I picked up his wallet and fished the key out. He noticed, and later finally came out and said: you're not doing it right.

So tell me, what is the right way? He demurred, some nonsense about me not wearing a collar at the moment, and I told him to pretend. So he did.

He got up, walked over to me, looked me up and down, and said in a no-nonsense tone, holding out his hand Very nice. Now give me the key.

He then demonstrated another variation You need to give me the key now, and I laughed to cover up the fact that yeah, that really was the way to ask. And I pushed him back. what else? I challenged.

Well, you'd have be careful where you did this one he said, as he walked over to me and grabbed my hair and pulled my head back, demanded where is the key? Come on, give it to me! Give it!

Whew. Straightening my hair and trying to pretend that the sexual tension in the room hadn't just shot up considerably, I allowed as how he might have a point, that there were better ways to ask than what I had done. And casually mentioned that he would just have to provide me with more opportunities to practice...

dissonance

2005-09-12T17:54:00.000-07:00

I'm reading a book on psychological experiments. One of them has to do with the work of Leon Festinger and cognitive dissonance.
Opening Skinner's Box

Some quotes: "Dissonance theory predicts that the more paltry the reward for engaging in behavior that is inconsistent with one's beliefs, the more likely the person is to change their beliefs." In other words, doing something you don't agree with for no good reason creates such internal dissonance that one might decide they DO agree to reduce the dissonance.

"We spend our lives paying attention to only information that is consonant with our beliefs, we surround ourselves with people who will support our beliefs, and we ignore contradictory information that might cause us to question what we have built". Surely most of us can come up with an example where we would exclaim: How can they believe/do that! It is so obvious....

Most people rationalize instead of changing their paradigm.

I feel that these ideas have resonance with my journey into understanding kinky sexuality.

For the latter quote - I feel that my experience called into question previously foundational beliefs imparted to my by Christianity. By allowing for the possibility that kinky sex was not Bad and Sinful, and that I might have something to learn from other kinky folk; I faced the unraveling of my faith as it was. This was aided by other thoughts I had been thinking about feminism, environmentalism, and capitalism, and how the western, middle class church wasn't doing very well on any of them. I was willing to entertain contradictory information, and that moved me (agonizingly, and alone) into a new, uncharted paradigm. This seems to me to be a good thing, growth producing.

But then for the former quote. I have the niggling fear that as I have relaxed this boundary or that, let some standards slide (and for what? What have I gained?) I am falling into the justification trap, and subverting my beliefs to match my actions rather than the other way around.

It is hard to live with dissonance. It is also challenging work to make sure the responses to dissonance are healthy, and do not lead to a different flawed paradigm.

...except for...

2005-09-08T21:34:00.000-07:00

I feel a bit hesitant to post about orgasms. Seems a bit silly, given the detailed posts one can find on the subject, but it just doesn't seem like something I should be splashing out there for any and all. (hey, look at me! I had an ORGASM!) No, I would prefer to be discreet and modest about it, and spare you all the details... particularly as there are people who know me reading this blog. I mean, you really don't need to know that right? TMI?

I confessed this to Rafe, and he said so, you need to change your subtitle to "A discussion of faith and sexuality.... except for orgasms"

I laughed.

eeep!

2005-09-06T20:31:00.000-07:00

Apparently, the folks over at bondageblog.com decided I had high enough bondage content to be added as a link... and my page loads have spiked a bit!

And I have an overwhelming desire to run and hide. I am NOT a center-of-attention kind of girl, and so it's like, I had established my own little corner and made some friends and we were all sort cozy, introducing friends to friends (hey, here's someone from Wendy's blog, and Patty's...) and then BAM - I'm out in the middle of the room, with a whole bunch of strangers looking at me!

But I'll smile, and breathe (breathe) and wave.

Hi! Glad you stopped by! I won't have many pictures or detailed descriptions of sex, but if you are interested in participating with me as I introspect, pull up a chair and stay awhile.

back to nature

2005-09-05T10:22:00.000-07:00

This weekend, the local kinky community went camping.

The monthly bondage party was moved to the outdoor location as well, so Rafe and I went up to see people and have some fun. We were tentatively thinking about perhaps doing an outdoor flogging scene. Really though, I was just looking forward to seeing people I hadn't seen for awhile, catching up, getting hugs.

There was an elaborate play structure set up for the bondage party, and one person got to use it before it started raining. Pouring might be more accurate. It rained HARD for several hours, so everyone was huddling under tarps or inside.

The rainy-weather-back-up plan for the bondage crowd was a small, one room building. (Good thing there weren't too many of us! 20 maybe) So it became a cozy little room with perhaps six spaces on the floor where people were having some kinky fun. Most of us all knew each other.

And Rafe tied me up too. A straightjacket like contraption, several configurations of handcuffs, and lots of teasing / torturing. Sharp pointy things, rubber mallets, fingernails, the works.

When we were relaxing on the couch aftewards, I still had my hands cuffed behind my back, and he was idly rubbing my arm, and then my breast. (shirt and bra on, check) That produced a reaction, so he just kept at it, to see what would happen. I was sitting there, squirming on the couch, hands behind me, legs trapped under his, and getting increasingly turned on. With no more stimulation than that (but he kept it up for a good while!) I did eventually come.

While it was quite arousing, I ended up feeling like it was too much. The residual emotion afterwards had me feeling exposed and unsafe. So I told him - I don't want to orgasm in public. Even fully clothed, discreetly; I'm not comfortable with it.

My boundaries are getting stretched - I don't want them to break.

one or many

2005-09-02T22:49:00.000-07:00

Tonight, Rafe is on a date.

We have had a number of conversations throughout the years, always reluctantly agreeing with each other that it wouldn't work for us to date. From the start, we have been upfront with our hesitations for such an arrangement - on his part, he is not romantically interested in me; on mine, that is a huge thing - as well, he finds it difficult to converse on spiritual matters or other similar subjects regarding how people are that I find life-giving and essential.

For all that, we are each other's best friend and valued companion. We function like a couple, for all that we eschew the label and the commitment that comes with it. And playing together adds a sexual dimension to our relationship - even NOT playing together (as was the case for the first year) that tension is there.

We have also, each of us, expressed a desire for monogamy.

Which leaves a bit of a dilemma. If we will not commit to each other an exclusive relationship, but each expects to make that commitment to someone else at some unspecified time in the future; then the relationship we have in its current form is untenable. It MUST undergo significant upheaval, where the new chosen partner trumps the old, and no small measure of loss sustained.

To the monogamous mindset, it cannot be otherwise. Me or her - not both. And if not me only, then none of me- why am I sitting around waiting to be left for someone "better"? Monogamy does not deny attraction for others, but says rather - despite that, I choose you.

In the conversation I couldn't finish, I expressed the opinion that if he started dating someone, I would not want to play with him. He said that he would wish it otherwise; that we could continue to hang out together and even play (with the consent of the girlfriend of course - should she object, then no) but that he would respect my desires on the matter.

And that is the poly mindset. Where love is not diminished by multiple partners, but added to; and each reveals new facets to be explored. It does not require the sacrifice of one relationship for another; but it does require much communication and trust, for jealousy and fear are no respecters of persons.

It is not a simple thing, the choice of monogamous or poly relationship. Each is tangled in a larger web of many other perspectives and opinions - to pull on one would unravel more. I found this out when I found myself kinky and thus snapped the thread that named me acceptable-churchgoer.

So tonight, I do not know if I am weeping for inevitable change and loss in my relationship with Rafe; or for cracks in the foundation of deeply held and strongly felt beliefs on the importance of monogamy in romantic relationships.

Either way, an important part of me would change.

sleepsacked

2005-08-31T20:56:00.000-07:00

We were both a little low energy the other night, so playing was just with the sleepsack.

I put Rafe in it, with a blindfold, and then puttered around doing things and then plopped down with my book next to him. (grin) That didn't last too long.

The sleepsack has a double zipper, so you can create a "moving access" opening, wherever you would like it to be. He complained about not being able to feel the wartenburg wheel through the darlex, so I had to get his torso free for a bit...

Friday night part 2

2005-08-29T19:17:00.000-07:00

(see part 1 first!)

I've more or less stopped crying by the time we get to Rafe's place. I still feel a bit like I just want to go curl up in a dark corner somewhere and be unhappy.

But I get a backrub. My back is so tense that Rafe has to shake out his hands after just a couple minutes! Rocks, that me.

And after a bit of that, we talk about how he still wants to tie me up. I don't want to turn it down. I wonder a bit, if I should feel bad we were going to end up playing anyway. Was I being manipulative? That was not my intent... and there were several points there that evening that I had totally given up on the idea.

But here it is. We're there, we want to play, I'm emotionally stabilized for the moment. So we do.

We both change clothes into stuff more suited for playing, and he tests out his ideas. That night, his ideas involved a lot of chains.

A chain around my waist, with my wrist restraints locked to it in various positions. A chain connected to my collar at one end and a chair arm at the other. A chain stretched from one arm of the futon couch to the other, with me sitting behind it. Wrist restraints AND collar attached to said chain such that my arms are stretched out to either side of me. Ankles tied to either side of the couch as well (rope here), kind of a reverse spreader bar effect. Lots of chain.

Other snapshots:
Trying out a ball gag - I don't like it. It makes me drool, I can't swallow, and it puts too much stress on my jaw. (TMJ issues)

Dripping water on me.

Snapping my arms, legs, tummy with a rubber band - that left some nasty red marks!

Wrestling around such that the leg that was tied to one side of the futon ends up tied to the other side, and I've been turned 180.

There might have been an orgasm or two as well.

*****************

So. That was Friday night. Way more emotional that I was bargaining for, and some half-done conversations pending. But we ended up playing anyway, and Rafe didn't seem too put out about it (all my fears aside). This was actually probably the first time I had verbalized to him (unprompted) that I wanted to play. Usually I hang back and let him do all the initiating.

Somehow, it feels like progress was made last night, although I'm not exactly sure where or what outcomes will be.

Friday night part 1

2005-08-27T12:26:00.000-07:00

Somehow, I turned into an emotional mess last night.

Let's see. Here's the context:

Incredible amounts of stress, such that I'm taking prescription medication for reducing stomach acid.

PMS.

Long day at work.

Then...

As I blogged earlier, when Rafe and I were hanging out Wed, he brought up playing with me, then didn't. Thurs, we could have potentially played, but some friends of his that are newly living in town (let's call them Jerry and Ann) called up and wanted to hang out and the subject never came up. Friday, Jerry was wanting to hang out again. I had gotten to the point of thinking that I would need to tell Rafe that I needed to have a set date when we would play in order to be ok with constantly changing social plans. But when I told him I was interested in playing that night, he told Jerry all on his own sorry, I'm hanging out with Jane tonight. Good beginning.

So. We go to dinner, and although I had thought to say that I was a tad more emotional due to PMS and the like so heavy conversations might not be a good idea, I didn't, and yup, you guessed it - emotional topics.

Ann had called Rafe that day to complain about me, and apparently the patterns that Rafe and I have developed for organizing our evenings and transportation and the like don't mesh well with her ideas about how things should be. So we'll need to do some negotiation and expectation setting and figure out how to work that dynamic when the four of us hang out. But that exacerbated the feeling that somehow we (Ann, Jerry and I) may be in competition for Rafe's time in the future.

Topic two was: Rafe wants to date someone (a specific someone), and so what does that mean for us, us playing together, ect. There are lots of unknowns with her, so it was somewhat hypothetical, but I couldn't do it. I got a little bit of what I was thinking out, but then realized I was going to start crying, and THEN told him that I had started the evening feeling emotionally unstable and probably shouldn't have this conversation now.

So we move back to other topics, and get around to the rest of the evening, and he says, yeah, he really wants to tie me up. I'm rolling the idea around, wondering if I still feel up to it after the emotional ups and downs of the last several hours, and deciding, yeah, I do.

We then stop to say hi to a large table of fellow kinksters who had come into the restaurant while we were eating. They reveal they are going to see "The Aristocrats" that evening, 3 hours from then. (It started at 9:45)

At that point, Rafe decides he'd really like to go to the movie with them. In theory, it was something I'd be up for. Going to a movie, with friendly kinky folk, having a good time. But that would mean suddenly not playing that night after all, and on top of everything else, I couldn't handle it. I just totally break down in the car, and can't hardly speak for awhile. Rafe, to his credit, is very patient with me when I'm unhappy and not speaking. I imagine it must be really frustrating when you have someone obviously upset but they can't tell you why...

I figured there was no way to save the evening, no way to make us both happy. I was ready to tell him to just take me home, and he could go to the movie - that way, at least one of us would be doing what we wanted. I couldn't see playing anymore anyway, now that I'd disintegrated emotionally. And I didn't want him to resent me for preventing him from being social.

I think I managed to convey that I thought that might be the best thing, and that I didn't know what would be helpful for me.

He decided that the best thing to do would be to go back to his place and give me a backrub.

And yeah, that probably was the best thing. I was in no position to make good decisions for myself or him.

So we leave, back to his place.

correction

2005-08-25T17:45:00.000-07:00

Rafe informs me that I got part of my last post wrong.

Where I said: "When Rafe realized I was going to go this month, he started dreaming up things to do to me." I really should have said something like: "When Rafe realized I was going to go this month, he started wondering which of the many things he had previously dreamed up to do to me should be tried that night."

Because really, he had started thinking up scenarios way before that month's party.

Heh.

Last night I was over at his place and he said "I want to put you in handcuffs!" But then temporized... it's late (9pm), it'd be later by the time we're done playing, we have to work tomorrow, I need to go to bed at a decent hour. So no handcuffs for me. I more or less agreed with him that we should start before 9pm, but then he spent the better part of the next hour looking at pictures of bondage online...

playing in public

2005-08-21T20:33:00.000-07:00

Well, hmm.

I went over one of my own boundaries this month. The Not-Playing-In-Public one.

The local BDSM club has a bondage party once a month, that is strictly for bondage. No impact (flogging, caning and the like). I have gone to a few of these, always on the charity of others since I have been unwilling to get a membership there. I have a specific reason, which I may address here when it is no longer a reason...

When Rafe realized I was going to go this month, he started dreaming up things to do to me. Originally we discussed just playing in the back. The back room is not public - voyers by invite only. But the day of, he confessed he had a scene in mind that required some a suspention point, only available out front.

I listened to his idea, and agreed to try it.

So what did he do?

Well, I wasn't really suspended. I was also probably the only tied-up girl there that was still in clothes.. He hung a length of chain from the ceiling, and wrapped the end around my waist. I then had my hands clipped to chain above my head, and was blindfolded. Unable to get away, unable to see what Rafe was doing, unable to see anyone else. So he pushed me around, tickled me, and held me. It was actually quite fun.

Then we moved to the back, and made use of a sling. The sling needed to be just a touch lower, and was a bit strenuous on my arms and wrists, but it was private and a good way to finish the evening.

So I'm not sure exactly how I feel about this playing in public thing. It certainly wasn't a bad experience, but... what about my objections? They were: I don't consider playing to be public, rather a private, intimate thing; and I don't want to share that intimate experience with other people I don't know; and I would not feel comfortable watching other people play.

A good part of that objection is grounded in two assumptions: playing is a very sexually intimate thing, and sex is best experienced privately.

Some of this has been eroded as I HAVE been exposed to watching people play, and they seem to be having fun, and not at all minding an audience. And it isn't always overtly sexual - sometime it's just fun.

So, I'm not sure where that leaves me. I'm still a bit uncomfortable with it; I am still clinging to the vestiges of sexual morality instilled by my faith. Rafe has indicated that he thinks I'm long overdue for a flogging scene (and I'd have to agree, really) but feels that he really needs a St. Andrews cross or something similar to do it properly. Which means out in public at the club again. And I'm not ready for that.

I am troubled a bit by my shifting views, my changing opinions and boundaries. I do not know who I will be one day to the next, and that is scary. Part of me wants to just close of shop and return to the church and the simpler life I had years ago, but I cannot, it would not be the same. I have too much altered my perception of things.

anxiety

2005-08-18T13:42:00.000-07:00

I spend some time awake last night convinced that I needed to take down the blog before it was found by unsympathetic eyes, I was outed, and my life became excruciating.

It's not the first time I've felt this way, but it's the first time in a while.

dedication

2005-08-18T13:41:00.000-07:00

I checked out a book from the library, and the tipping point that made me do it was the dedication:

"To every woman who has feared her own power... and embraced it anyway."

Of course, the "power" ended up being such that she incinerated her lover the first time she orgasmed... (oops)

Well, it was a nice thought anyway.

party time

2005-08-17T14:30:00.000-07:00

Somehow, I got invited to Monk's combo birthday and yay-I've-been-in-business-for-2-years party. I took Rafe with me. (grin) The party was at the building where he makes all that lovely rope! While we didn't get to see any of the rope-making equipment or batches of rope, there was plenty of other eye candy to be had. Reportedly 100 guests, some from far away. I had the pleasure of meeting a few other bloggers, and chatting with folks.

Here are some accounts and links provided by other party attenders:

Monk

Mistress Matisse (with a pic!)

rossi

Rafe and I were there from 9pm (when it started) to about 2am. No play for us - I'm not sure I would have wanted to there anyway. Very very public, people I didn't know, and also a little bit of an intimidating space. Plus we were both a bit tired.

back?

2005-08-17T14:27:00.000-07:00

I'm beginning to be back.

The inevitable has come and gone, and I'm working through the grieving process. I'm sure it will hit me hard at key points in the future, but for now I'm starting to regain my equilibrium.

quick update

2005-07-28T06:20:00.000-07:00

Hello all - this is just a quick notice that my posting on the blog may be sparse over the next little while. I just put up the last post I had on hand, and I don't know that I will be accumulating much new material (or able to write about it) for a little bit.

It seems that I'm about to lose one of my parents here in a couple weeks to a condition that causes rapid (it's been 5 months) and fatal deterioration. And this has re-arranged my emotional landscape and responsibilities.

So I intend to be back, and I may find the time and energy to post things, but I'm not making any promises about the consistency for probably the next month.

My best to you all in the interim.

It didn't work

2005-07-28T06:02:00.000-07:00

When Kamea was visiting, she and Rafe went to the local BDSM club with the intent to play together - Kamea tying him up. They poked around trying to see if I wanted to come with them, but I said that I would rather try to figure out if a three-person scene could even work in the privacy of Rafe's place than at the club. (I stayed home)

We had already established that we would have a slumber party one night - Kamea was staying with Rafe, and I felt a little bit like - aw, I have to go home every night. I want TIME with Us while we are all here, cause all too soon Kamea has to leave again.

So the evening of the slumber party (we all had separate beds, in case you were picturing something else!) we did try to get a little scene going, but it just. didn't. work.

Out of all the possible combinations, it ended up being me tied up. At first, Rafe just had me restrained, and Kamea was sitting on a chair in the same room playing a hand-held video game, and that was a different dynamic. A bit odd for both K. and me, I think. Rafe wanted to do more than I was comfortable with with an audience - I said no. So he resorted to just tickling and poking me. Eventually I was bindfolded, and Kamea joined in the poking (corn cob holders can be nasty). And I was so NOT in sub space. At all. I was getting frustrated, and even a little angry. I think that was the closest I have come to consciously considering using a safe word. But I managed to used English - (I'm done, let me out) - and that was that.

So, what happened? Well, it was a bit awkward with Kamea and I - we'd never played together, never talked about playing together, and didn't really discuss this time before it started happening. So there was that. And it was late. And - I didn't really feel cared for. That was the biggest thing, I think. Cause it's not about being tied up and poked at for me - it's about the relationship, and being cared for, and intimacy, and all that good stuff. All that good stuff that just wasn't overtly part of what was happening that night.

A reminder that it is a good thing to manage expectations and negotiate and talk honestly before starting to play with someone; particularly if it is a new someone (or a new configuration.) Otherwise, frustration all around.

look at me - the time stamp is right this time!

hmm

2005-07-23T22:27:00.000-07:00

Rafe recently (in an attempt to influence my behavior in kink-friendly directions) stated that he wouldn't play with me again until I went to a vendor fair.

These happen here every three-four months; there is one this weekend.

I had two thoughts right away: yeah right and then I'm not sure that's going to have the motivational effect you're expecting.

After turning it over in my head a little overnight, I decided the statement also had some insulting interpretations. Probably these were not the interpretations he was trying to convey, but it's hard to find a compelling postive spin.

Or mabye I'm just in a bitch mood because there's much going on in my life, and little of it feels positive at the moment.

So I almost immediately decided I wasn't going to be manipulated that way, and even if I had been thinking about going (I hadn't) I definately wasn't going to now.

Instead, I went to a local toy store that was having a 20% off sale, and bought myself some new stuff for the toy box. Much more in the vanilla vein, really, but I think I'll enjoy my new things!

Interesting

2005-07-22T23:22:00.000-07:00

From an online health site:

"A yellow or white sticky liquid from the nipple may be present in both breasts at the end of a woman's period. This is usually found when the breasts are squeezed and is caused by repeated stimulation from sex, pregnancy, or drug use."

fortune cookie

2005-07-15T14:05:00.000-07:00

The other day, Rafe got a fortune cookie slip that said "you have given considerable thought to a different lifestyle"

*snerk*

Mine said something about how I had a way with words and I should capitalize on that.

Both surprisingly apropos, given the source.

worrier

2005-07-13T21:03:00.000-07:00

I can be a worrier. Come up with crazy things to stress about - and this is more pronounced when I am already stressed. One theme is life-threatening or debilitating medical conditions. Is that new bump on my arm melanoma? Could I have breast cancer? (I did have a benign tumor once) Do the way my legs ache indicate a possible blood clot? (I blame pharmaceutical marketing for this one) Could I be having a stroke?

Another theme is social - imagining ways that I would be rejected or looked down on. Being hyper-sensitive to my public image, and what people think about me. Discovering I'm kinky and starting to venture into this world has created innumerable new ways to imagine social disaster - like when I was convinced that the day after Rafe and I visited the local BDSM club someone at work would ask "Hey, I saw you going into this unmarked building last night - what were you doing?" (it didn't happen)

And things have been quite stressful recently, so I've been a bit in overdrive on these.

************

The last time Rafe and I played, it was my turn to tie him up. Which I did, and we had fun. There was a spreader bar, wrist restrains attached to the bed, some rope... It should be noted (although I've said before, it actually matters here) that we were both fully clothed. Shorts and shirts.

Towards the end, I used a vibrator to help him get off, and then later used the same vibrator on me.

However, when I was gathering my stuff to leave, I was overcome with the thought of getting pregnant. (And not in a good way) Why? I don't know. Did that play session seem more sexually intimate in some way? Did it have to do with the fact I'd recently been at the doctor's, staring at birth control charts while I waited? It certainly wasn't because there was any real possibility.

But that didn't stop my mind from running around constructing worst-case scenarios. See, this effectively blended BOTH of my worry themes. Single unwed pregnant woman, facing social censure, possibly affecting my job/ job prospects - how would my life change... over the next few days I actually came close to small panic attacks. I had to repeatedly tell myself - no - you aren't pregnant. You COULDN'T be pregnant. Physically impossible. Just wait, your period will start.

Which it has.

All the same, I feel a little gun shy. Since I don't plan to have sex until I'm married, I haven't bothered about birth control measures. (nope, doesn't apply to me) I'm NOT ready to be a mother. And those scenarios my brain came up with were just a bit too realistic and frightening.

*************************

I recently watched a movie that had several examples of young girls getting pregnant on their first sexual encounter. Which made me think about how sex education and contraception measures are REALLY IMPORTANT for female health. We've made great strides here - but we are still dealing with things like pharmacists refusing to fill birth control prescriptions.

Women having control of their sexual experience and reproductive ability = a good thing for women.

I had this post up briefly last week - so if you are one of the few people that saw it before I took it down, yeah, it's the same post.

scalp massage

2005-07-09T14:01:00.000-07:00

I recently got my hair done, and while my stylist was finishing up a phone call, an assistant came to pull the foil out of my hair and then shampoo and rinse. I usually just shut my eyes and enjoy the feeling of being pampered - someone washing my hair for me! He was careful and gentle while washing my hair. And then, while the conditioner was setting, he started giving me a scalp massage.

That was different! Usually it's just shampoo, rinse, conditioner, rinse, off we go. And he was good at it. I suddenly became aware of my body, and the fact that I had some strange guy with his hands on my head and face...

Afterwards he took me to the stylist's station, and put some more product on my hair. Watching him in the mirror, I noticed that he was quietly confident about what he was doing - and that was an attractive quality. Confident, paying attention to me...

Nice.

reflections

2005-07-06T19:57:00.000-07:00

I've been reading the book "Real Sex" by Lauren Winner. It discusses chastity from a Christian perspective.

At one point she talks about chastity as a spiritual discipline, that morphs into fidelity as a spiritual discipline after marriage. This is a recognition that we will be attracted to and want to have sex with multiple people before and after marriage - but practicing chastity and monogamy is practicing the discipline of renouncing extra-marital sex so that marital sex may be better, and work as God designed.

She also talks about how people want to know "at what point is what I'm doing sin? Give me specific rules so I know how far I can go..." but that a better question would be "Is this behavior an authentic sign of Christ's love? Is it loving your neighbor? Is it prudent, loving, wise?"

Both of which I thought were good points, worth reflecting on.

Somewhere else, I read an editorial that proposed that our relatively recent focus on marriage for love and self-fulfillment has allowed people to have incredible marriages on a scale that was unknown/unavailable back when we were marrying for social cohesion (status, wealth transfer, procreation). However, that very dynamic of personal choice that can create super good marriages also means: more divorce, and the rise of "non-traditional" relationships. She (I think it was a she) was basically saying to all those decrying the loss of "traditional" marriages - buck up. YOU are benefiting from the social changes too, and if you really want to go back to a time where the family-for-children-and-social-cohesion was primary, then none of this marrying for love stuff. At least not on the scale we see today.

Somehow we've absorbed the message that we should be able to have everything we want for free. And it's not true. There is a cost - and the more we get, the higher the price.

too much information?

2005-07-02T05:25:00.000-07:00

They say, when you are writing, that one of the things you should think about is your audience. That's you. But who are you?

I think I have four distinct audiences, really. And each make me want to write slightly differently.

1. There's the faceless masses of the internet; fellow sex blog authors and readers that I have not met in Real Life. For you, I want to write engaging, interesting and sometimes explicit posts - be a valid contender for readers in this corner of blogland.

2. There's me. For me, this is a diary of sorts, a way to process what is going on for me, get my thoughts down, and have a history for future reference. Here also, more explicit detail and honesty will add depth and meaning to my reflections.

3. There's the small handful of folks who feature in my blog with me and know me well - Rafe and Kamea primarily. Starting out, I had a number of conversations with Rafe about the blog, because I was feeling anxious about being so open and detailed on the internet. I didn't want to do anything that would negatively impact our friendship. He told me I should write what whatever I wanted and not worry about him. If I said something he wasn't comfortable with, he'd let me know; but otherwise it was more helpful than not to be able to hear my impressions of things. But in the back of my head, I still wonder when I write, how will Rafe respond to this? (Or Kamea, if it's about her. But sadly, she's too far away right now to be a frequent persona in my blog...)

4. And then - then. Then there are the small but growing number of people I am acquainted with in real life who know about this blog. Many of them are part of the kink scene where I live, plus another random friend or two and a sibling-in-law who are all ok with alternative and open expression of sexuality. But. I am not an exhibitionist, and I don't often talk at length about myself, and I have an unhealthy fixation on wondering What People Think. So for this group, I want to be circumspect, and non-controversial, and leave some of those extra details out. Because do they really want to know That Much about me? Particularly when I reflect on the fact that many of their blogs are NOT full of explicit detail about what they are doing sex-wise, I get anxious. So when I think about this group of people, I want to write very differently than when I think about group #1. Best face forward, appropriate, and all that.

ug.

They say you can't please everybody. I'll have to work on figuring out what's important to me, and go from there. (And if anyone from group #4 cares to comment, it would be interesting to hear your thoughts! Or any of the groups for that matter.)

smart balls

2005-06-30T21:12:00.000-07:00

I told Housewyfe months ago that I was going to post a review of the smart balls back when she was looking for sex toy advice. Alas. I had been waiting to get a digial pic of mine (they're violet and grey) and post them here to accompany the post, but what-the-hell it's been too long already. And my blog needs a new post. So I'm re-using the link she found, which has a nice pic too.

Most of the stuff in my toybox is gifts. The rope, the leather restraints, the vibrator, the twisty ties, the locks and keys, the bondage tape; all gifts. I have bought for myself a mindfold and what I would call a wartenburg wheel on steroids (think 3-D). Which, I looked, but I can't find a pic online. (The company I bought it from has had their site suspended...ooops!)

And the smart balls. Which I consider to be my first real sex toy purchase. I was inspired by Bliatz's and Red's account of them.

Not too long after I had decided I wanted to get these, Rafe and I were out looking at sleepsack options for him. I was debating the whole time "do I say - let's go to that sex shop nearby?" Luckily for me, he proposed it himself, so I was off the hook! They had them in stock, I picked out the ones I wanted, and was quite pleased with myself.

And I like them. They are quiet and unobtrusive, but your body knows they are there! The kegel muscles are like "oh, what's this?" and start working away... I think one of the balls is situated quite close to my G-spot, so even though they are pretty much static, it's possible to get quite worked up just with muscle contractions. I recently tried them in combo with the vibrator - now that was a good match! They are good for extended wear, and did I say quiet? Think of them as a subtle enhancer.

The only challenge I have had with them is (cough) going to the bathroom. If you're even a little bit slippery (of course you are), they have a tendency to want to come out....

Overall - a good purchase! I'm happy.

I am a...

2005-06-26T10:01:00.000-07:00

At a BBQ last night, I was asked "So, (now that you've been in the scene for a little while) how do you identify yourself?"

This is a typical sort of "orientation/fetish" question. Are you a top, dom, sub, bottom or switch? Do you like bondage, flogging, needles, electrical? That sort of thing.

This stumped me a little, for two reasons. One, I haven't done a lot of articulating exactly how I want to "identify" in the scene, and it's really important to me to be truthful and accurate, so I had to think. Also, I haven't done so much to know really clearly what I want.

But I was able to get out, in a fumbling sort of way, that what's really important to me in the relationship context, and not so much The Thing we're doing.. I want a monogamous relationship, where we can play around with the power dynamics and try things out and push each other and have hot, kinky sex in a loving, trusting context. I've enjoyed being a bondage switch with Rafe, and I'd probably want to keep some element of switching in a long-term relationship. I like bondage; I think I'd enjoy flogging, I like sensation play - but it's really about the mind. The exchange of power. I want to be (sexually) dominated, and I want to be cared for, and I want that in a monogamous relationship.

And to the question "what do you want to try next?" I didn't have anything to articulate. However, I realized that probably the true answer was "I want to have sex." I want lots of fucking. I want to explore the full sexuality that kinkiness provides. Because at this point, that is not an available option for me. By my own choice. I do not want casual sexual relationships - I want a husband. So once "sex" is no longer a thing I want-and-can't-have, then I'll be able to more clearly think about the add-ons - do I want more flogging? Some sensory deprivation? Or extreme stimulus like needles? But without the comforting folds of I-am-loved-and-cared-for in a relationship, these things are just curiosities, experiences. And I'm not really an "Extreme Sports" kind of girl.

Then the other folks that were there talked about how they had found that it was easier to go outside of their primary relationship for the extreme experiences. In your primary relationship, if you push someone hard, and stir up emotions, and make them angry at you - then you still have to sleep together, and deal with the bills and the kids, and be a couple. And they had found that they are less willing to go totally extreme and jeopardize the relationship. But if you play with someone who with whom you are NOT in a close relationship, they can be a bad-ass fucker and mess with you, (or vice versa) and then you all just leave that at the door going home.

Which was an interesting comment. I'm still invested in the monogamy thing. But it's been a bit of an education being around people who are poly, or have multiple play partners. I think I'd say I'm still in the information gathering stage on that one.

Collars

2005-06-19T09:47:00.000-07:00

I'm realizing that I blog better when it's fresh - when the experience has just happened and I'm still processing a bit. It takes a lot of work to reconstruct things after they have happened. So, although I still have some unformed posts about events of the recent past, here is what happened last night.

Rafe and I went to another house party. Same place where I got suspended by Monk a month or so back. This time it was a slightly smaller crowd, more of the "regulars" for this particular venue.

I wore an all black outfit with a black leather dress collar. (dress = no locks or attachment points) Why did I wear the collar? Well - it looks good, Rafe likes it, and I'm more of a submissive than a dom. However, events leading up to the party put me in a somewhat stressed out frame of mind, and when we got to the house, I sat in the car feeling like I really wanted to take the collar off. Rafe could see I was not quite ready to leave the car, and when I told him I was considering taking off the collar, he said "no, leave it on! It looks good" and because I try to please people and make them happy, and I wasn't really sure what I wanted to do, I left it on. But I should have listened to myself.

Collars, in the BDSM community, communicate very specifically that the wearer is owned. Someone else's property. Kind of like a wedding ring, but more so. And if you don't know the couple, the safest and most polite thing to do is not talk to the person in a collar, in case that's not allowed. Sometimes, the nature of the relationship is such that people must get permission to talk to the collared person.

And this was a gathering where we didn't know most of the people very well. Had seen most at other events, chatted with fewer, and were acquainted with about 3 or 4. I think the collar would have worked better if Rafe and I had socialized together, chatted in the same groups, watched the same things. But we didn't. For the most part, we were in different places throughout the night.

So I spent most of the night feeling like I was standing on the fringes. It was difficult for me to feel like I could get a conversation going. I initially chalked it up to being stressed and low energy, being a little intimidated by all these people I don't know, being not so good at small talk anyway; but I wonder now if the collar really had a further dampening effect I was not intending.

There was a point where I was thinking to myself - "I want to go watch that thing going on over there. But I feel really conspicuous and awkward by myself - I want Rafe to come with me. But he's watching this other thing, and I SHOULD be able to interact on my own.." So I made the effort to walk around, but never really felt comfortable.

So I think I'm not going to wear collars out again, unless it is a very public place and I am deliberately trying to avoid getting hit on. Where I DON'T want attention.

And I'd like to see how a party similar to last night's goes when I'm not wearing a collar. If it's easier to talk to people or not.

guys in cars

2005-06-18T21:38:00.000-07:00

I was out walking around near my apartment, and at one point, there was a garbage truck that wanted to turn down the alley I was approaching. I stopped to let him through, but he waved me on saying "Go on! Go on! How else will I tell if you are pretty or not?"

I wasn't quite sure what to do with that blatant verbalization of the fact that guys in cars like to watch the women walking in front of them...

But then, I suppose, guys ANYWHERE like to watch women walking in front of them.

I suppose women probably do their share of watching too....

Flogging

2005-06-14T22:43:00.000-07:00

So, I tried out flogging a little while back. Rafe has had a flogger for a couple years, and although he has brought it up now and again, I have (until recently) been very resistant.

Why? The best way I could explain it was the stigma attached to it. "Bondage" seemed like a much less alarming thing to talk about to Other People than "flogging". (who are these other people? And why do I care what they think? I do... but for the most part they just live in my head, as I construct imaginary conversations...) I had this sort of "how would I ever explain that?" kind of block going on. Although I was curious, although I figured I would enjoy it, although I was jealous when Rafe flogged other women...

Back in February, Rafe had a couple other women over and was doing demos, and that included the flogger. He gave each of them an opportunity to experience it, by having them stand up in the middle of the room and thudding them with the flogger. At one point he asked if I wanted a turn, and I said "I'll do it some other time, when it's just us."

And it only took three months to get there! (wry grin)

So one night, we were both rather stressed and tense, and traded back rubs. After that, he brought up the flogger, and I was like, sure, why not. So it was my turn to stand in the middle of the room, with my back to the flogger.

Now, I had been warmed up, so to speak, with the back rub. And the flogger really felt like an extension of that - nice thuds. I just sort of stood there (thud, thud, thud) Some on the back, some on the ass. Rafe actually seemed a little surprised at how hard he had to hit me before I reacted..

So how was it? Well - fine. Nice extension to the massage. Just an intro. Wouldn't mind it again. But I didn't really get turned on at all. Of course it wasn't an erotic setting really, either. I think that for erotic stimulus, I would need to have the flogging occur in a larger context where I was tied up, or being topped/dominated in some way that got to my mind as well. As a tool towards a larger effect, and not just flogging for flogging's sake.

But then, I kind of feel the same way about bondage too. I definitely feel an affinity for bondage, but what really makes it work is the relationship, and the interactive context....

change

2005-06-11T21:27:00.000-07:00

I'm on the brink of making a significant change in my life, and I'm scared. I may be taking a new job soon. I didn't look for it, it came to me. I'm not going to tell you how long I've been at my current job, cause you might not believe it - I'll just say that I've worked in the same place since college, and I've already had my 10-yr reunion...

I'm scared. Scared of making the wrong choice, scared of disrupting The Way Things Are, scared I will be unhappy, scared that I will upset folks were I am now, that they will need me and I won't be there...

I wake up at 3am and think "no way! I can't do this." And at 5am I am composing the cover letter to my resume in my head.

I was talking to some friends about it, my back and forth, my hesitations, and they stopped me and said "you said - when I leave" and gave me considering looks, looks that said - you should consider what you are saying.

I feel like I'm on a roller coaster right now that I thought was going to slow down and let me off, but it was really just preparing to plunge down a new, previously unseen set of tracks.

Another friend made the observation - "doesn't sound like you have very much that is stable in your life" and no, I don't. Even God, where People Turn in Times of Trouble - well, I can't say I feel like my grasp on faith is very solid at the moment. That's just another thing that is shifting under me.

So I'm more irritable, and distracted, and fragile, and more apt to cry these days.

I dreamed that some of my church friends found this blog, and sent me an email letting me know I'd been outed - there was lots of text and although it didn't seem to condemnatory, I was nervous about reading it. So I don't actually know what it said. I hope this post doesn't out me (with too much detail about RL), but it's what I was thinking about, so here it is.

(small wave)

2005-06-08T22:13:00.000-07:00

Just a note to say I'm still here - I just haven't been able to post recently. I have some experiences rumbling around waiting to get out, and some ideas to get down, but the energy is just not there for anything long or profound at the moment. Soon, soon.

(I keep saying things will calm down soon, and then something else happens...)

fear and understanding

2005-06-03T18:40:00.000-07:00

Over on her blog,Mistress Matisse said "As long as people are taught to hate and fear their own sexuality, they will hate and fear the people who stir those feelings in them."

This succinctly captures something I have been becoming aware of. I think this is why homosexuals are so persecuted - they stir up some fear in others that they (the others) can't even articulate; fear about sexuality. And it might not even be feelings that are being stirred - maybe just THOUGHTS about sexuality that are too much to deal with. Sexuality that doesn't conform to what has previously been defined for you as ok. Fear makes people violent, and defensive, and close-minded.

Sadly, I think that religion has had too large of a role in this teaching people to fear their sexuality.

Why is religion afraid of sexuality?

drunk?

2005-05-31T19:08:00.000-07:00

I think, maybe, I got drunk last night. If so, it would be the first time. Yeah, I managed to miss that experience in high school and college and young adulthood.

I had sips of other people's drinks at dinner (probably about 1/2 a drink total) and then a martini for dessert.

Not much, eh? But I got rather giggly and loquacious. Animated. More unrestrainedly verbal than I usually am. I think I said some profound things, and some silly things, and laughed uncontrollably at the slightest provocation.

It was Kamea's last night in Seattle, and we were loathe to have it end.

I was falling over exhausted at work today - but no hangover, thank goodness. Water is a good thing.

Housekeeping

2005-05-31T19:05:00.000-07:00

Updating links - goodbye to Digger. We wish you well and hope that in the end, it all works for good.

Hello to *J*! Look at that, it's another D/s marriage relationship on my blog list...

I don't like having to take blogs off my list. It's always a bit sad when bloggers close up shop.

aaack!

2005-05-25T22:06:00.000-07:00

I want to post something, really I do. But I am about running on empty at the moment - WAY too much going on. I have a stack of newspapers starting from last Thursday to catch up on. Since I am a read-the-paper-every-day kind of girl, that should tell you something.

Things should be letting up oh around June 10th or so.... I'll try to get some thoughts down before then! But they may not be long thoughts. Unless, of course, something dramatic happens.

sub or domme?

2005-05-21T22:37:00.000-07:00

A bunch of us were hanging out the other night, and one of the girls made a comment to the effect that she knew she was being a brat, but she just didn't believe that I would hurt her, because I seemed like too much of a sub.

Others in the room were like - eh, I don't know, I think Jane has more there then you think. I arched my eyebrow at one point, and Kamea was like "See! did you see that eyebrow?" I didn't really say anything at the time, just let them all form their own opinions, but it did make me think.

I definitely feel more subby than dommish, but I also think I have the capability to take control and pull it off. I think it was there more in childhood, but has atrophied from lack of affirmation. But (as an example) we had this dog that got to be horribly misbehaving, and we took it to a dog training school as a last resort, and they said that she was all messed up because she needed us to alpha dog her, and we weren't. Turns out that I was the one in my family that could do that well - give commands and have her believe I meant it. She would obey ME, (and I think my dad too) but the rest of the family had less success.

I've had a harder time feeling like it is ok to order people around. And it's really not - people are responsible for their own lives, their own behavior. It is not my place to tell people what to do; anymore than it's anyone else's place to tell ME what to do.

But.

I'm realizing that for people in the kinky community, who are attuned to this dichotomy of roles (dom/sub, top/bottom) there are ways of interacting that might be tolerated and respected in a way that is not true for the general public.

Of course, just ordering people around in a non-consentual fashion is not going to win any points - it's just going to make you look like a jerk. So none of that.

But I'm thinking that if I'm interacting with someone (they are in my space, and we have some kind of rapport) and they are CLEARLY dithering about or pushing boundaries and making people frustrated or miserable, then there could be room for me to comment, clearly and firmly, that that is not behavior I will tolerate and it needs to stop. And this might be perfectly acceptable to do, and I'd be respected for it.

Interesting.

But it was true that night, that I was feeling more subby than I do always. And so I started to wonder about that. That evening, it seemed to be connected to being tired and stretched a little thin emotionally, so I just curled up and became unobtrusive and helpful.

When do I act more subby?
- With guys I am attracted to
- Guys in general (that I respect)
- When I'm feeling un-confident or vulnerable

When do I feel more dommish?
- With women who won't take responsibility for themselves (and I know they can)
- When something that needs to happen isn't happening
- When there is general lack of direction/organization
- When I am feeling confident

At least, that is what I can come up with at the moment. I feel like I've got some fuzzy definitions rolling around, and further reflection or experience might bring more clarity.

I think really, it comes down to the sense that I don't feel like I have permission to be dominant, and that sort of behavior could make people not like me and harm relationships. And I think there are situations and interactions where that is true. But what if I DID have permission to be dominant in certain situations, in certain relationships? Would I want it? Would it be work? Or would I really just want to be submissive? And the really important question: what do I want in a romantic relationship specifically?

I don't know. But it's food for thought, and I will probably keep chewing it for awhile.

more browser incompatibility

2005-05-21T17:21:00.000-07:00

I recently realized that my cut and paste post on Christianity and sex was causing problems for Internet Explorer users out there. Apparently the little bit of text bleeding over the line pushed down my whole sidebar to underneath all the posts -- while Firefox had no such trouble. Yet another reason to use Firefox!

I've made the font smaller to accommodate IE; sorry for you Firefox users, the font is pretty small now! But hopefully can still be made out.

Life is hectic busy right now - hopefully some more substantial posts will be up soon.

Visitor!

2005-05-18T22:02:00.000-07:00

Kamea is coming to visit!!

I know, I know, I still haven't properly introduced Kamea and Jay - that's the next history post, I swear.

But Kamea and Jay and Rafe and I were our own little social group, hanging out all the time together, for about seven months solid until Jay and Kamea had to move to England. Rafe and I have visited them there once (that's another history post!) and we all met up in the midwest over Christmas... but twice in a year is NOT enough. Thank goodness for IM!

So she's coming to visit! Here for two weeks-ish and it will not be long enough.

I'm sure there will be updates forthcoming!