just a little bit

Rafe and I went to a house party recently. Nice, casual atmosphere, a handful of hard points, snacks.

Earlier in the week, I had decided I didn't want to play, and was a little bit wondering how the conversation would go when he asked about that. I had decided I didn't want to because the last time we played was over a month ago; also at a public venue. And I am not comfortable having the entirety of our play relationship be in public. That will not make me happy. I see public play as either: 1) a safe way to play with someone new, an introductory stepping stone to something bigger or 2) one small facet of a much deeper and richer private play relationship. Neither of which applies to us.

But he never asked, so I didn't bring any of my toys. Never asked that is, until we were in the car.. "so, did you bring your restraints?" "no". "Did you bring your shorts?" (I was wearing a skirt) "no". There was a silence as we both realized we had very different assumptions about the evening, and had not communicated them to each other.

The party was nice and social. Lots of chatting, catching up. A friend was doing needles for the first time, but it was actually a very slow play night. Not a lot going on. A couple friends of ours who hadn't been planning on playing decided to take advantage of the free hard points downstairs, and do a suspension / cutting the dress off scene. Rafe asked if I wanted to be restrained while we watched them.

I hesitated a little, but the fact that I had been having a good time socializing AND the fact that there was no-one else downstairs besides us and our friends... sure. I was not feeling as walls-up about it as I had been earlier.

So he cuffed my hands behind my back, put some ankle cuffs on as well, and we sat on the couch and watched our friends. He had his arm around me, and partway through started teasing my nipples. (Which are very sensitive!)

Then the other scene was done, and our friends left, and Rafe let me out of everything. And it was just us downstairs. I poked at him a little, and we did a teeny bit of standing up wrastling. This ended with him holding my hands behind my back, pulling my hair, and kissing my neck. And then us just standing there, holding each other. And I thought: "This. I want more of this.. it feels great."

But I want that sort of physical interaction / affectionate play all the time, not just in the bounds of a "scene". And he doesn't. After that night, it was a week before we even touched each other again (for a hug).

I think I'm getting to the point where I'm going to have to say "more, or none". I need more consistent, frequent physical interactions, or no play at all. This once every month or two super intimate and intense interaction bounded by weeks of nothing leaves me more unhappy than just not playing at all.