People

I need to learn how to meet people.

Isn't there a book - how to win friends and influence people? Sounds like something I could use. But it probably involves talking to people, which I... sometimes struggle with.

There's the starting small chit chat (who cares about sports? or weather?) and then the in between where you have to be interested and interesting, and then the end where you exit gracefully enough that the person wants to talk to you again. Too often I feel trapped, bored or scared by this whole process. I just want to dive into the deep meaningful talks with people I already know I like. But you have to work up to that.

The problem is, I'm an introvert and people scare me. I envy my friends who can just walk up to strangers and start a conversation and end up with dates all the time. If I want dates, I need to learn how to meet people. Lots of people. Build the social network. I'm 35, and I should know this already.

I miss the casual tribe experience of my 20's, where there were always people around to do things with. The always having friends over, hanging out in the big group house. Nowadays, most of the people I know are coupled up, dealing with kids, and houses, and responsibilities, and their relationship. Still great people, but much harder to get the spontaneous social event going. And also, much reduced dating options. Not that I used them when I had them.

That physical/affectionate/sexual/companionship/comfortable/romantic relationship I want? First, I have to meet people.

Ug.

IUD

So, I tried to get an IUD. I want a birth control method that is non-hormonal, but not as drastic as getting my tubes tied. Obviously, condoms, but I want something in addition to that that is under my control.

And the Ob-GYN turned me down cold. Not in a long-term monogamous relationship? No IUD for you! FDA blah blah increased risk for pelvic inflammatory disease blah blah. Not a candidate.

I was a bit nonplussed, because nowhere in my research had this come up. So I dug around a bit more, and found this:

"Previous restrictions on (Copper IUD) use recently (Sept 2005) were removed to reflect findings that the risk for pelvic infection is more closely linked to sexual behavior rather than choice of contraceptive.

As a result, the IUD may now be used by nulliparous (no children) women and those not in a mutually monogamous relationship, although presence of a stable relationship is encouraged to decrease the risk for STDs and HIV infection. "

from Medscape

I think I need a new Ob-GYN.

The Slap

The background: A casual party at Rafe's which involved sitting around in couches and on the floor, alcohol, chatting and backrubs. At one point, Imperator (hereafter known as Impe) got slapped. Spur of the moment, nothing premeditated.

The set up: Discussing the possibility of another party at Rafe's, Impe declares that one of the good things about the party is that he won't be slapped again (because the original slapper will not be there). I comment that there are others who could slap him - and he says if I do it, he'll agree, but only because he doesn't think I will.

Foolish, no?

More background: Impe is a top, and decidedly so. He's not at all interested in relinquishing control. However, he is also a self-proclaimed provocateur and greatly enjoys pushing other people's boundaries and seeing what he can get away with.

So the party came and went, and there was no slapping - instead there was a great rush to hide the kinky toys when the vanilla work people showed up. But that's a story for another time.

The scene: a public play party. We're standing around in small groups, chatting on the edge of things. Rafe has gone to get toys, and Impe's wife is chatting up a cute girl.

Impe: So, about that slap!
Me: oh, yeah.
Impe: Do I get to slap you too?
Me: only if it's not as hard as you want it to be.
Impe: No deal.
Me: Ok, I'll just slap you then.

Impe runs over to tell his wife she'll want to watch (but she misunderstands, and keeps talking to the cute girl) and then comes back to me and gets right up in my face. Make it count he says.

I take a deep breath, put my hand on his collarbone to control the distance between us, and slip ever so briefly into top space. My focus narrows down to his head and torso, to my hand on his shoulder, to my choices and actions. I give one sharp slap, and the scene is over. Nice he says.

We're both grinning, and everyone we know has missed the entire thing. He admits that I did make it count - his jaw was a bit sore afterwards. And now every so often he'll ask when he gets to slap me, but my answer doesn't change. Only if it's not as hard as you want it to be.

But that brief moment in top space was a bit of a rush. I really felt different, felt the responsibility and control. I have brushed against that space every now and then with Rafe, but our interaction is much more intimate, and "top" is defined by being the one not restrained rather than strong internal disposition. Perhaps because for both of us, our internal disposition is to not be the top.

This was different; I was there fully, however briefly.

Stuck

I'm stuck.

I want to have a relationship, or relationships even, that work. Where there is mutual attraction, care, fun, the excitement of discovering another person.

But when I think about contacting anyone through the online dating profiles I've created, I just freeze. I want to avoid them, ignore them, pretend they're not there. Perhaps that means I'm not really ready. I don't have the necessary energy and oomph to deal with them.

However, I also don't want to sit around feeling sorry for myself, and aching for companionship I don't have. Cause staying in won't get it for me.

Taking even those really small steps towards a goal seem so incredibly hard. Why are phone calls so hard? Talking to people? Taking time to take care of myself, be responsible and proactive.

Gifts

When I give gifts, I try to find things that the recipient will truly like and appreciate. It's not about me, it's about finding something that intersects with their interests, tastes, and expressed wants. And perhaps shared history. This is actually something I take pride in doing well, and much of what I look forward to in the process is knowing that I chose well, and the gift "works".

Resolved: Next year, I will have more people in my life who are able to and want to do the same for me.

I would say that this year I put time and effort into coming up with something meaningful for 7 different people, not including my nieces and nephews. And I got a grand total of one gift back that was really a good gift for me. (one other person gets points for trying, but the expansion pack to a game instead of the game itself, which I don't have, is still a little disappointing.)

I don't want to be one of those people that is all tit-for-tat and money counting and stuff. I believe gifts should be given freely, without expectation of reciprocity. But I have to say, year after year, it gets a little discouraging when I get so little that is actually meaningful for me. I hope it's not about the stuff, I don't think it's about the stuff, because I don't actually want to fuel the consumerism machine. I don't need lots of expensive stuff. What matters is the thought and intent behind the gift.

Perhaps I need to modify the resolution.

Resolved: Next year I will have more people in my life who know me well enough to know what things I would like or want, and care enough to get them for me.

I know that's the issue with my family; we don't really know each other, so meaningful gifts are hard. One thing to work on. With friends then; I think I bear some responsibility in cultivating and participating in close, rich relationships that might, as a side effect (and not even the most important one) lead to having people in my life who could get me gifts that "work" for me. That communicate that they know me, thought about what might make me happy, and made an effort to let me know that I am known and appreciated.

feeling discouraged here after Christmas

special note to the gift card giver, if you read this - you are exempt from the above discussion by reason of the draw - it's hard to do much with a dictated $5 limit!

Hello again

Looks like it's time to start putting up some new posts! Maybe change the decor, update some links...

I note with a little bit of sadness that Bondage Blog has removed me from their featured links - can't say I blame them though, as I haven't really posted about bondage for quite some time.

So what's going on out here for me? Well, there's Rafe and I in the process of figuring out how to rework our relationship so we are less of a couple. Part of that involves some active date-searching; I've got two internet ads up but have yet to summon the energy to reply to any of winks or send some of my own. Sooner or later though, my friends will get fed up with my stagnation and feet-dragging, so I need to de-hermitize and start actively setting up dates! It's a bit terrifying really, since I've never really dated at all shhhh and I still don't know what to do with my weird and crazy mix of sexual experience (Kink! orgasms! sex blog!) and sexual inexperience (um, so, I've never kissed anyone, is that going to freak you out?) However, I've got that annual dr. appt set up and I intend to ask about IUDs.

Dating also brings up anxiety about weight - I want to weigh less. I want to weigh what I used to weigh before I did crazy food experiments in an attempt to be healthy, not an attempt to lose weight, but still I ended up with the yo-yo effect of rapidly loosing weight and then rapidly gaining it back plus more. Goal: lose approximately two pounds a week. We'll start with a three month time frame, but really ultimately I want it to be nine months solid. Eat less, exercise more they say. I feel like I've been trying that for a while, why am I still gaining?

Then there is the bit about figuring out how to tell my mom that my faith is changing, that I'm not going to church, and I do not subscribe to her conservative fundamental version of Christianity. This is sure to be devastating, but I really need to do it. My family doesn't really talk about anything important with each other, and it would be really easy to keep just not saying anything while the gap between what she thinks I'm like and what I'm really like keeps widening. But I don't like dishonesty, or fragmented living. So I'm going to work on a letter - you may get to see a draft.

So there you go, a little catching up. Hopefully the posts will get more frequent again - thanks to all you folks who still keep popping in once in a while to see what's going on!

flogging

Hi, I see it's been a bit since I've posted. I remarked to a friend recently that perhpas my lack of posts was symptomatic of the fact that I have things going on I don't want to deal with, and to write honestly would require articulating said things.

Well, this isn't going to be that post. It will, however, record a new chapter in my kinky evolution.

Rafe has a flogger. I've blogged about this before. He's been interested to use it with me for a good long time, and I've moved from resistant to cautiously interested to let's do it; but we could not agree on HOW and WHERE such a thing might happen.

He recently did a flogging scene with one of our acquaintances, and I determined at that point that I needed to make sure this happened for us. See, he's potentially moving out of town (depending on the job thing) and I realized that I would regret it if I didn't at least give it a try before he left. So we set a date.

We got to the club late, and there were two people ahead of us for the spot we wanted (in the back, out of public eye). So we didn't start until near midnight. I was tied to a rack, hands and feet, and he pulled out a bit gag. And I got a flogging, interspersed with other toys / sensations (cane, wartenburg wheel, rabbit fur, being held..)

So, what did I think? I told Rafe later that I would have changed two things: no bit gag, and I would have let myself cry when I felt like I needed to. It was intense. The strokes that started with a sting and left a burning sensation brought me close to tears, but I didn't let on. At some point when he was checking in with me (are you ok, should we keep going) I said "I don't know" and was unable to articulate further. In fact, I was shutting down, mentally and physically. My lack of response freaked him out a bit, and he decided that whether I could say it or not, we were done. When he untied me, I found I was unstable standing and blanking out mentally.

He spent a good bit of time holding me and talking to me afterwards, and I was more or less recovered by the time we went to bed at 3am. (There were a couple times when my entire back spasmed or tingled with aftershocks - that was a bizzare feeling). We talked about how if I had let myself cry, that would have been a helpful signal for him earlier on about how intense things were getting for me. And how maybe the bit gag was too much of a speech impediment for a first time activity where checking in was important. Overall, while the experience wasn't what I was expecting, I felt like it was an important learning experience and valuable scene.

Later, I was asked why I didn't let myself cry. What I came up with was:
1. We hadn't talked about it, and I didn't want to negatively affect the scene.
2. In general, I'm not good at expressing my emotions, because I'm afraid of the response.

While day to day, #2 doesn't necessarily have immediate consequences, here it did. It was a reminder to me of the importance of understanding and articulating what I am feeling.

dating

I want to start dating.

I've got this book, and I'm going to see how it goes. One of the first concepts that was very refreshing to hear and a good perspective shift was that dating should not be approached as "a way to get married". Instead, dating should be an end unto itself: a way to meet other interesting people and a way to learn about yourself and grow. In fact, he recommends NOT making any serious commitments for some period of time (six months?).

The first "task" is to meet five new people in a week. This is defined as - the person is new to you; you interact with them such that they are interested to follow up, and they have a way to contact you and do that.

And I stopped there, because there's no way I'm anywhere close to meeting five new guys in a week. Or a month. So obviously, I have some work to do!

**************************************

In other dating ruminations, I feel like I have two roadblocks to overcome before embarking on my new life of dating.

The first is that I want to lose weight. 20 pounds to start, 60 pounds as an eventual goal. This is easier said than done though, and I suspect that this is somewhat of a false roadblock. I need to be happy with who I am and confident in my desirability where I am now and not at some hypothetical future weight. However, the many craigslist guys (cream of the dating crop, yeah I know. But ads you can peruse without paying anything!) have comments like "must weight less than me" or "must weigh less than X pounds" and that is a little discouraging. So that is one thing.

The other is I feel I need to come to some understanding with myself about sex.

Until recently (within the last year?) I was absolutely 100% in the no sex till marriage camp. As I have moved outside of the conviction that Christianity is The Only Way, I've begun to think about that expectation in light of what it achieves (social cohesion, procreation, and guaranteed paternal knowledge) and some values from the societies it came out of (women as property, heirs and paternalism super important, women's sexuality suspect). I've also started to feel like this stance (no sex till marriage) is increasingly at odds with the more sex-positive view I am developing, and would perhaps not attract the sort of kink-friendly guy I would like to have. However, I do still believe that having sex in the context of a committed, loving relationship is better psychologically and emotionally than engaging in casual, uncommitted hook-ups.

I think this is an important area where I should figure out some personal boundaries before embarking on dating. Am I ok with having sex before I'm married? That's the most important question. Then if I am - in what contexts is it ok? Committed long-term relationships only? If not, when?

***************************************

I don't want dating to be all about getting sex. But at the same time - dammit, I want to be touched more. I want affection, and snuggles, and some make-out time. And I am concerned that all this pent-up unexpressed desire for physicality will lead me to make unwise decisions when faced with opportunity. The flip side of that is that fear of messing up irrevocably has my whole life kept me from dating and even coming within a mile of said opportunity. (perhaps fear of rejection too.) And I'm fed up with that. Angry, even.

*************************************

So there's some of my scattered thoughts on dating and sex. I'm sure there will be more, as I don't want to stay where I'm at. I'm trying to cultivate an attitude of openness and approachability - hello world, talk to ME! I'm interesting and fun!